The night sees the tears fall

There has been so much emotional upheaval in these weeks, and the tears fall at night stealing my sleep, and the people i need the most to hold me tight aren't within my grasp. I struggle to find the words in daylight to express how much i am fighting to bring one foot in front of the other- everything hurts and internists are suggesting the very medication that has been helping me the last few years is causing me so much trouble.  And that scares me so much. 
There was so much i wanted to say at given times to S and didn't. And i am sure she was waiting to see- she knows me well enough to see when i am struggling - even when I put on the brave face.  She is a good friend but i saw how much I depended upon her. I wanted to distance myself from this dependance, i also wanted to be the advice giver for once, i wanted so much to show far i have come- she knows i have come so far but she knows i have a lower tolerance to major stressors- and that last week was life stressor levels 1-5 in a week.  
But i fear starting to cry and it never stopping and the rest of the work i diid for nought
To top it off the pain is crazy. But i can't explainto the nurses that i am having panicattacs on top of it all- my normal meds not helping me with sleep