Triggered yesterday

And today I am really paying for it- am so cold then so hot then dizzy as anything  

Yesterday on the way to the studio I felt like I was being followed by a creep. So I was constantly looking over my shoulder and holding my breath. Just like when I was ten.  I was listening to music to try and stay present. Even took the sequase I have in reserve- I was suddenly staring through people again.  I tried the strong menthol oil on the temples - I was going through all my skills I had on me- wasabi , strong gum.  I knew I had physio to help loosen up the tightness in my neck.  But today - my body temps are bouncing all over the place- cold by the extremities and sweating then shivering though I am under a warm quilt..  Grr - debating on if I should call the stand in for my care nurse. - it is Good Friday today and I am home in the safety of my oasis.  I hate all these forms of dissociation- trying not to self harm.  But the tension is building in the body again.  I just had a massage yesterday afternoon stretching out the tightness in my neck only to have it spazz up again. 

May the morning sun guide me home

May the clouds carry my heavy heart

May the rain expel my tears

May the morning sun guide me home

No prayer 

or preceding knowledge 

Could prepare my heart

For the pain

Of the betrayal

Of the denial

Or the humiliation

That would surpass

The slices

The scratches 

The nails driven deep

May the clouds carry my heavy heart

May the rain expel my tears 

May the morning sun guide me home

And yet un awaited

A hand is offered 

To help carry the weight

To clean my face

So I can see my fate

To remind me you are there with me along the way

So I can console

So I can reassure

And fulfill my prophecy

May the clouds carry my heavy heart

My the rain expel my tears

May the morning sun guide me home.

 

How to explain to a 4 year old why you can't visit him at his home.?

Yes my 4 year old asked me this today. I think hinting why I couldn't come to his family birthday birthday party.  How do you explain to him that if you go to his family birthday other people important to him would leave - and that is also not fair to a little boy. 

I am in the situation of a little boy who can't understand why I am not wanted there plus why would I want to spend anytime in a house full of abuse. My mother I law still claims she has no guilt to the way she treats me and operatively in front of the kids I hate it. I can't stand that abusive disrespectful atmosphere.  But I can't say that to my son. Because those guys are looking after my kids because I can't. - legally not and medically I am just barely keeping my head above water.  

I guess since I am religious I'll ask for a little assistance from up above on this one.