Shell shocked

So since I had my daughter I couldn't take extra medication, but my system went on red alert when I heard the gunshots at 9 at night after getting back from the party at the studio.  And this evening was the storm ( that thunder even though only a few brief minutes rattled my fear again) this evening I had the permission to take something - I didn't have to be up by a certain hour. )  but as I write this it is 2:43 in the morning.  And I am only starting to yawn.  I tried to concentrate today. But I couldn't do the task at hand like I did last week. The horse painting is done as it the island in water landscape' the rooster and the sunflowers.  It was a very prolific week last week and this week my brain feels like it's on jello. The piece I did for mal Cafe was a quick piece. And the second piece my head was playing a piece of music.  The question from mal Cafe was the horizont between heaven and earth and all I could think of was fire, sunsets dragons fire.

My heart seems lost in a space of uncertainty. It beats for a friend, but I don't think his beats for me.  Or maybe he was wise and saw the uncertainty of Sophia.   I explained to Sophia that my friendship is more like that of the guys in her class and social group. You have fun together, you trust they will be there in class, you trust they are part of your day   And there is a friendship there and nothing more.  And you don't want to wreck that friendship.  We have things in common and we understand when we are having a difficult time. We know each other's weakness and help each other out.  We don't think any less of each other because of our challenges.  And I wish for her to understand these friends are equally as important. 

Preventative measures

Well i reacted to a thunder lightening storm last night leaving me feeling crippled on my left side! So since i learned there was going to be a storm again tonight ( which turned out to be on  the other valley) i had to say no to having my little girl stay over this weekend. It may be hard to say no to her visiting but she needs her mom to look after her not the reverse!  So i will take her the next weekend there is no sunday school. 

But i also needed to take some medication so my body wouldn't be so sensitive to the abruptness of a thunder/lightning storm. If anyone tells me to suck it up and just weather it out has never had their bodies react to sound and obviously had little no trauma with guns and violence. Theres a reason i need to steer clear of switzerland and fireworks around the 1. August. But youknow its not just the 1. It's also the week building up and the few days after.  This means that i become less independant as imcan move less, sleep less, speech impairment  and of course More nightmares.  So i will try to " run away over that week if i can. 

But i need to figure out this next week- how to get oun schedule and get this horse painting done. So it is seen exactly phow much talent I have. I am proud to be asked to do portraits of animals - i love doing animals really and landscapes- i was asked to do two pieces of venice! Now thats a tall order.. But i love the challenge.