Forget the past, and move on with the future, live in the here and now. Oh and by the way you shouldn't be hurting yourself like that.

Well, easier said than done. 

Fireworks go off at New Years and 1st of August here so I have to mentally prepare myself.   And my village does the mandatory shooting practice. And those drums in the pageant made me look sleepy by the the time I got to my friends for xmas eve supper.  All these triggers make that event play like it was a couple minutes ago, absorbing my dreams, and absorbing what limited energy I have. And then to hear "forget the past" makes me want to set a violent film in your ear and before your eyes. And remind you that is where my past lies- when I hear all the bangs my past is here and now. And I need to fathom all my energy to realize what date we are on our calendar. 

In addition I discovered that I was going to have to fight to prove that someone with borderline personality is rarely abusive- most likely a victim of abuse ( due to our black and white perception of our world) and that we are not the blanket diagnosis that was thought to be before 20 years. Oh and Mothers with Borderline Personality are not raging emotional, cold beasts that many books and websites state.  

Yes we deal with rollercoasters that run faster than you can say blink, some of us self harm, and some of us drink. We don't inflict pain upon others- we inflict further pain upon ourselves in order for others to understand the depths of our pain. 

And to state how bad medication is, or how we need to believe more in a higher power, or that we are less quality people because we live with a mental illness in itself is absurd.  

I have had Drs tell me they can't help me. That all my pain was psychosomatic, to turn around and have the chief of psychiatry tell me she couldn't help me. Only lit a fire in me. I knew I had to persist with whatever draining energy I had, to get the help I needed. And then to have to be publicly shamed for having such an illness and have to make a near impossible decision regarding my family is ludicrist. I did not stand for it 5 years ago, I did not stand for it 20 years ago, and I will not stand for it now.