Disney's "Zootopia" ( or here in German speaking Europe "Zoomania" )

While I commend Sia and Shakira for a relatable song about getting up after mistakes and accepting that we need to make mistakes to come forward in life.  This song has been stuck in my head now for the last few days. 

And Disney did a wonderful job about inclusion and some funky plot twists.  But there was a section of the film that haunted me, in the negative portrayal of people with a mental illness to be dangerous.  Making the general public to be scared of them. These were portrayed as "raubtiere" (in German) and it was in their genetics to be dangerous. And the psychiatric hospital was portrayed as a dark scary place to visit.  That these animals were captured and kept in cells.  And that they would suddenly jump at you.   ( it was later proved these animals were drugged to prove a myth). it left me asking my daughter about this scene considering her experience of coming to visit me at a psychiatric clinic for a number of months.  Yes it scared her when the tiger jumped up at the glass but she didn't relate to her experience.  

But it sits with me a bit uneasy as I am the one with the mental illness.  I see the stigma that is continually installing the fear of this illness that people with mental illness are dangerous and it is in our genetic makeup. It is scary for families to see such a dramatic change in their loved ones. But there is also hope with the right care, and good hospitals.  But people are still insinuating this negative stigma makes the daily battle that much harder for those living with varying mental illnesses - @Disney  you still have a ways to go with regards to continuous usage of negative stigma towards certain groups of people.

That being said we loved the usage of sloths in the DMV office. Many of us can relate to how slow the wheel turns in beaurocratics and not only the DMV.  The expressions of "flash" were priceless. 

The night sees the tears fall

There has been so much emotional upheaval in these weeks, and the tears fall at night stealing my sleep, and the people i need the most to hold me tight aren't within my grasp. I struggle to find the words in daylight to express how much i am fighting to bring one foot in front of the other- everything hurts and internists are suggesting the very medication that has been helping me the last few years is causing me so much trouble.  And that scares me so much. 
There was so much i wanted to say at given times to S and didn't. And i am sure she was waiting to see- she knows me well enough to see when i am struggling - even when I put on the brave face.  She is a good friend but i saw how much I depended upon her. I wanted to distance myself from this dependance, i also wanted to be the advice giver for once, i wanted so much to show far i have come- she knows i have come so far but she knows i have a lower tolerance to major stressors- and that last week was life stressor levels 1-5 in a week.  
But i fear starting to cry and it never stopping and the rest of the work i diid for nought
To top it off the pain is crazy. But i can't explainto the nurses that i am having panicattacs on top of it all- my normal meds not helping me with sleep

On the countdown

Well it is less than a month until the d word- freedom- and there is so nuch to do including getting my ticket to go away for a few days!  Yes. After the divorce I am taking a train trip to northern germany to visit with a good friend and just get away and have a change of scene. And hopefully breathe in the reality that part of my life is finished! And I could withstand all the attenpts my ex tries to bring me down and make me look crazier than before.
All the while I am setting my landing to be softer. While the fool tries to cry louder.   And he will look like a fool in the end. He underestimated my strength. Yes I may need Psychiatrist, but who inmy position wouldn't.   And hath no furylike that of a mother.  Believe me this is harder than it looks - but if you have the emotional resources it is doable.

Just because i have an illness doesn't mean I don't know you are trying to screw me over again.

So he claims I went behind his back getting the social worker involved, but he went behind my back plenty, trying to prove Tobias doesn't need the extra help.  Or standing over me and claiming I was a little pissed off at him at the moment- I was royally pissed that certain erasures of care was not met therefore I am needing to get a socialworker involved.  

Then suddenly he is finally doing what I had been fighting for the kids to recieve - could it have something to do with my complaint to my lawyer after the court sitting?  I ,complaint about the exhorbitant amount of money going to his mom for childcare while my kids were in second hand clothes and not being taken care of emotionally.  In addition he is receiving money for the kids and they weren't seeing the Benefits of that money. 

Thomas didn't realise what he was getting himself into being with me- I am not a docile stupid wife that he think he got. I won't tolerate what he dishes out and I will call him out on it.