Something isn't right

And i should have said something to my psychiatrist when i saw her today- i noticed the whole day i w very edgy and irritable before going to see her this morning  - i saw a series of expensive cars and i wanted to key them- this is so not typical of me- sort of had to tell my responsible self to behave.  I got up to the art-studio for a session of art cafe i was extremely critical of myself  though i did a good painting. And tried using coffee grounds for texture.for a porous rock. 

Then i had my appointment- having to rehash information about my family dynamics about my family tree. 

I want to drink something strong and i want to self injure. - but i had worked so hard to keep my arm so clean of wounds.  I really don't understand how i could wake up and feel such a rage or feel the need to cause damage to extremely expensive cars. I have never been one to cause damage.  i am the good responsible one to look out for others. Adapt to life.  I accept that i have dissociative states, i accept that i need some people to help me  so i can spend time with my children and to have people to keep an eye on me. Do they know something i don't

I know my mom warned me that my dad was aln alcoholic and drug addict( i am not my dad but i do show vulnerabilities -and since i am BPD  with certainmedications to help calm my dissociative states. It is not to say that suddenly my aggressive side won't pop up now and then.  But i can't seem to let it out and cry- i know i have the foam batons. But the bed looks like a better idea.  And so does popcorn with piri piri.   

Not sure about shooting practice

So far so good no shooting yet,

But was saying to my mom- i would love a drink to take the edge off so i could get to choir practice. I saw that i got through the fireworks because i had a champagne starter with supper.  It is so tempting. - then my mom reminded me that i have to be so careful with alcohol because my father was a drug addict as well as being an alcoholic. And combining alcohol with my meds is not a good idea.  Sense from my mother. Seeing as i am dissociative   And borderline dipping into alcohol is not a good idea. 

Oh if only. Am i really a prick for trying to stay so clean? 

Oh please it would be so good a bit of rum with coke.