Well I finally finished the poem

Yes I finally finished the poem- only need to translate it to German- short simple and to the point.! 

 This poem has been bugging me for weeks to write and I finally got it yesterday!  I posted on allpoetry ! So far just one comment. 

If only it were so simple

I saw a couple quotes about teaching your kids to stand up for themselves. If only it were so simple- i try when i have them- but i am still trying to figure how to stand up for myself. And i hope that when my kids see that i am trying so hard they will understand that i am trying for them. 

My children are young, my children are in the hands of a person who is very conservative and may hold limitations on them that are unacceptable, ( my son has a rare condition called NF1 and now he may be clouded to think he is disabled- my son is most likely to excel in the arts not in sports like he did and most likely won't be doing military duty(thank goodness- i can't imagine this little soul having to carry a gun)   My daughter is so smart but she doesn't want to be different than her classmates.   She gets her weekly work done by wednesday.  But doesn't want to move to her level- guess its enough that her mom doesn't live with her. 

I left an emotional wreckage but i couldn't take my kids with me.  Even if i tried.  I wish to be able to show my kids that i love them - but when they have their own kids they will have difficulty understanding why i couldn't take them with me. - even if i wanted to.

I don't want to have a substitute- I would rather wait 3 weeks

I just want my own care nurse and no substitute.  I know this sounds ridiculous but I hate having to adapt to new people- this coming from one of the most open people- I knew I would need to work on my rage issues so I am knitting and listening to music to keep me calm and really I want to scream- need my batons and I need sleep. I hardly slept a wink last night. Which is clouding my judgement for sure.   

At a park waiting for my kids to arrive

Well - I probably look like a predator while I am sitting at a park waiting for my kids to arrive.  That's right I am a mom and I don't have custody of my own children.  I am not a danger to my children just myself.  I have a severe case of post trauma which entails that I dissociate in 7 forms, ( self harm inclusive)   So now it is just a matter of waiting for the courts to change their des vision - they have gotten the letter from my psychiatrist saying I am in better in handling situations  etc and therefore can judge when I am capable of having the children in my care. So in the meantime with the lovely weather I am meeting my children at a park for an hour with the lady that looks after them on Thursdays.  

Yes a lovely day full of hugs. And a moment where my son panicked because his babysitter left the park- loves me is sad when we have to part but is still not ready to be left alone with me. What a confusing relationship to have between a mother and child.  

End of a good chaos

Well my poor apartment is still showing signs of distress from my last creative endeavour - the purse. And my back has been in horrible shape so I have not been up for tidying up - ugh. I really need to get some things in order so I can start my new painting for my girlfriend. This year I will be able to visit her on her birthday.  Last year I was on crisis intervention the year I was in the beginning of my long term care.  It is as though I keep finding excuses not to do it- but the clock is ticking faster than I thought- it is already middle march- too many projects going on- and I have been stuck on afternoons icing the back of my neck so my back doesn't flare up. Cold on my neck - hot on the lower part of my back.  Some mornings struggling to get up - some evenings wanting to slice up to relieve the tension- but I remind myself- not a good idea- I'll end up with shame and pain.  And not only the back but also where I chose to cut.  So why would I want triple the pain I already  am dealing with? Just for the temporary relief.  The temptation is so high. Just like any other addiction that short term relief only worsens the problem- but that moment at that given time seems so worth it. That razor is not that far away. I would be so relieved of pain and able to do some housework.  But maybe I should be listening to the pain and slowing down and accept the underlying frustration of having someone in my care team being away and the paralyzing fear of being pawned off on someone new.

I don't want to have a substitute- I would rather wait 3 weeks

I just want my own care nurse and no substitute.  I know this sounds ridiculous but I hate having to adapt to new people- this coming from one of the most open people- I knew I would need to work on my rage issues so I am knitting and listening to music to keep me calm and really I want to scream- need my batons and I need sleep. I hardly slept a wink last night. Which is clouding my judgement for sure.   

Karfreitag

So I was asked to write a poem about the 15 stations of the cross and I got overwhelmed half way because it mirrored my own life the last few years the betrayals the judgement with the courts the incredulous low points and emotional batterment  but also the people that came to make the weight a bit lighter  to help wipe away the tears and clear away the blood. The need to help my mother understand. And then to translate it all to German 

The plaster relief seems so much easier to muster- finished the first one today-  only have the photo of pre painted  still proud of relief number one- gives me confidence for rest of set. Still need to draw number 11- 14 - need to figure out where i put my noutes(think i left all my notes at studio- darn.  Will post photos next week when i have a few more reliefs done.