End of a good chaos

Well my poor apartment is still showing signs of distress from my last creative endeavour - the purse. And my back has been in horrible shape so I have not been up for tidying up - ugh. I really need to get some things in order so I can start my new painting for my girlfriend. This year I will be able to visit her on her birthday.  Last year I was on crisis intervention the year I was in the beginning of my long term care.  It is as though I keep finding excuses not to do it- but the clock is ticking faster than I thought- it is already middle march- too many projects going on- and I have been stuck on afternoons icing the back of my neck so my back doesn't flare up. Cold on my neck - hot on the lower part of my back.  Some mornings struggling to get up - some evenings wanting to slice up to relieve the tension- but I remind myself- not a good idea- I'll end up with shame and pain.  And not only the back but also where I chose to cut.  So why would I want triple the pain I already  am dealing with? Just for the temporary relief.  The temptation is so high. Just like any other addiction that short term relief only worsens the problem- but that moment at that given time seems so worth it. That razor is not that far away. I would be so relieved of pain and able to do some housework.  But maybe I should be listening to the pain and slowing down and accept the underlying frustration of having someone in my care team being away and the paralyzing fear of being pawned off on someone new.