But this morning I am completely unraveled and feeling incredibly alone and scared of my emotions or the damage I am capable of doing which would set me back in so many ways- I need to sculpt- I need to push my energies to come forward- but all I can do is sit on my bed and rock back and forth while my temperatures rage all over after I had slammed my batons angrily at my wood-stove and other details in my all apartment sending leaves from a plant all over the place and seriously considering slamming a glass against a wall to smash it to smithereens and slice my arm up again. I know I'll feel ashamed of doing it- I had done so well for seven months. - I really fight this time of year. And this year seems no exception- to add to it I am terrified about a health situation that is creeping up on me.
I just punish myself like he'll about my bizarre relationship to my son. I don't know if he knows if anyone truly loves him. His day mother is his safe harbour- I float in and out with unpredictability. Any attempts to create a physical symbol for him to grasp seems thrown back In my face- his quilt that I made for him to have on his bed is given to me and lays on my bed because my ex can't handle a reminder in the apartment. I can't fight with him in front of the kids and I can't even fight with him in the courts - I am constantly feeling silenced by him where ever I turn- my sons guitar is downstairs by his mom instead of being in his room. Does my son not be allowed his identity to assuage his guilt for this marriage not working- for his need to control people as long he looks good in the end. End of soap box for today.
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