I can't breathe an ounce with sophia

My ex is trying to control my efforts to make progress and have time with my daughter. And my daughter was standing right there while he is still trying to control me and here i feel like i am begging again to have time with my older child who requires less supervision when with me. Help this is exactly why i left him- he made me feel like less than human and consistently does it in front of the kids.   

I thought by saying no more marriage he has no more right to treat me so. But he still does it.

Damn

Book moving forward

Got the email that the reading department liked my story!  I had such a hard time getting to sleep last night.  I responded that once we get the letter to the parents/caregivers in there it should meet the 40 minimum.

In addition he asked for any of my adult manuscripts -like my poetry collection to bring that forward too!  I really can't believe my dream is coming true-i will be published by a credible publisher in two areas - a children's book and a collection of poetry-am almost sick from the excitement.  I have a new career!  But that they liked my writing to ask for any other manuscripts.

Heat wave and the change

Oh dear God we have temps of 34 celsius and i had started the change- so i can't  tell if i am feeling the hot flushes or just not coping with this heat. 

I don't seem to have strength to go across the road to get som fruit for tomorrow. So i can go for a picnic with the kids.  

Borderline but a quicker changeover than bipolar.

 Just saw a documentary from the perspective of the daughter of Frank Bruno.  Hew was diagnosed a few years ago with Bipolar disorder. I think how they described the people on a the high end of bi-polar i could understand what was going on with my dad, and also to a degree with me. It does make me fear for my children to a degree. They can't understand why i don't phone as often as i should but i am trying as hell to be civil with this man who was abusive to me infront of the children, and yet has the kids because my system couldn't take anymore. Although it is rather liberating  to have my things back with meit has been an emotional couple of weeks. And i will have another very emotional week if i don't find an exit out of switzerland next week.  I know that even taking my meds can keep me in better keel with most stresses, we are quite unsure how i will be able to handle the up and coming two nights of fieworks.  I could really end up ina bad space again though i am trying to keep a positive space of mind.  I mean i never know what will set me off and i haven't been in the best of moods the last few days so i am feeling rather vulnerable again. H has her family because she had thought i would be awayinparis ( that totally blew up in my face) 

My mother still can't quite figure out why I can't just stick my headphones on at max volume and put the covers over my head. Condition myself to them. My mom missed out when people slammed doors or a car alarm gets set off how i react, and how i still need so much help. How i totally get confused as to my time frame. Luckily today H was already right there with me when somebodies car alarm got set off. But even i fear my own reactions -i could be cowering or i could turn into a tornado emptyIng my closet, throwing things around, breaking drinking glasses to cut myself up.  This is my first year on my own for the fireworks and it terrifies me.

Back to the diary card

So i admitted to H today that i ran out of my diary cards and failed to copy new ones.  So today i spent about 5 franks at the copy machine at the grocery store  ( screwed up royally on 20 copies duh had the paper the wrong way and pressed for twenty instead of doing a test run and checking) this heat is really getting to my head (and feet)  

Then when i figured what was wrong i had to do another 2 franks to get about ten copies- i really need my own printer. But like i said dumb mistake on my park 

So now i customized them for me ( all ten copies ) and started again from yesterday.

What was my good thing yesterday?

Am involved in a messageboard for reducing the stigma attached to borderline personalitiy disorder-via twitter and facebook.

I may be moving my website later off facebook- not sure I like the layout on facebook for advertising my art and some people weren't sure about getting to see the art if they aren't a member of facebook.

Til nest round

The story has started to take form

Well i have actually came up with a cool title though not hundred percent sure it would stick.  None the less i have sent it off to a publishing company to be checked over. As the story developed itself so did the need to find the right publisher.  Writing a story that falls in the psychology area and not having a doctorate leaves you feeling inadequate though you know that having sat with your own psychiatrist you were truly on to something. And if a publisher was scouting you out via twitter you may seem skeptical, but you know it is a ticket.