Borderline but a quicker changeover than bipolar.

 Just saw a documentary from the perspective of the daughter of Frank Bruno.  Hew was diagnosed a few years ago with Bipolar disorder. I think how they described the people on a the high end of bi-polar i could understand what was going on with my dad, and also to a degree with me. It does make me fear for my children to a degree. They can't understand why i don't phone as often as i should but i am trying as hell to be civil with this man who was abusive to me infront of the children, and yet has the kids because my system couldn't take anymore. Although it is rather liberating  to have my things back with meit has been an emotional couple of weeks. And i will have another very emotional week if i don't find an exit out of switzerland next week.  I know that even taking my meds can keep me in better keel with most stresses, we are quite unsure how i will be able to handle the up and coming two nights of fieworks.  I could really end up ina bad space again though i am trying to keep a positive space of mind.  I mean i never know what will set me off and i haven't been in the best of moods the last few days so i am feeling rather vulnerable again. H has her family because she had thought i would be awayinparis ( that totally blew up in my face) 

My mother still can't quite figure out why I can't just stick my headphones on at max volume and put the covers over my head. Condition myself to them. My mom missed out when people slammed doors or a car alarm gets set off how i react, and how i still need so much help. How i totally get confused as to my time frame. Luckily today H was already right there with me when somebodies car alarm got set off. But even i fear my own reactions -i could be cowering or i could turn into a tornado emptyIng my closet, throwing things around, breaking drinking glasses to cut myself up.  This is my first year on my own for the fireworks and it terrifies me.