To Be "Saved"

You can pray all your might but my mental illness will not go away. I don't need to believe in God more than I already do. And it will not take away the events of my past, it will not make people take responsibility for their actions causing injury( physical and Psychological).  My belief helped me navigate my illness that i can cope with it better, it helped me take responsibility for my illness and my ability to ask for the help that I need to help cope from day to day, from Week to week. My belief in a holy spirit opened up my creative side that sat lingering for years in my heart, and it allowed me to voice the words in the written form again that I could publish a collection of Poetry, and write a childrens story to give a voice to children who may not have the voice to sing in hopes of people understanding their parents and helping end stigmas even within families. That same holy spirit gave me a signal through my body that my life needed some major changes and I Iistened.  But i am not going to tell you that you need to be saved because you may not even Christian! You may be Hindi, Punjab, Buddhist, or Muslim. You and your family may approach this Illness differently than mine, your grandparents generation may have different expectations of how you deal with your illness than ours.  But I can tell you mental illness can be inherited(or at least the tendancy towards certain illnesses); at least I know part of mine was, and some illness are environmental- PTSD alone could be triggered by a single event or a multitude of events.  You don't need to pray to "Save" me, you just need to accept me for my package, i have the right to be own relation to God should Should I choose to have that relationship.  Besides if God were to have ""saved" me I would have guessed he did it years ago- because I am here writing this 

One little word

So a group of friends started a theme for a year based on one word for a year.  This is way better than a resolution. It can be symbolic of what is happening that year! But it can be similar to that of a resolution. 

My word is Challenge. I can set a challenge each month for myself.  It means i can try something new each month push myself that bit more on a subject for a month.   One month may be to do more typography or more mixed media for a month, try more portraiture, work with oils for a month,  and so forth.   So for january i took an artclass that taught me some techniques in mixed media - layering and just new techniques. I challenged myself last year with working on a large project with plaster, and working on getting the point of convergence. ( that absorbed itself in a few paintings)  the year before I challenged myself to improve enough to handle a P!Nk concert I was invited to. Which proves that if i really wanted to I could gain control of my symptoms rather than my symptoms overtaking me.   

But I know that i need a certain amount of support.  I needed support of a friend who understood my challenges and be able to plan an escape route if there is a sensory overload and I panic. 

Just like going on the plane for a long flight. I am dreading the flight back but i am planning that i have my meds closer to me( not up in the overhead but below the seat.) and say to the stewardess that i do need assistance when I get to Heathrow airport because it is so tight between flights. I can't walk fast enough for the size of terminal that it is, In addition get through all the checkpoints.  So having a bit of a plan will allieviate some of the stress.  ( i didn't forsee feeling claustrophobic on the flight coming out- really- i thought that since i am a seasoned flyer, and I have a window seat  and the movies to watch, I would be fine.  All it took was a lady to move her seat back, and I started to hyperventilate. I am too considerate of others- i didn't want to wake the girls next to me and since i was in panic i didn't think logically to move my seat back, all i realised was that my skills and my meds were up above in my backpack and i couldn't seem to get help from a stewardess.   And when i finally got her i was in tears- not a full sob but she saw my fear in my eyes. Helped me get out that I could get out, get my meds and catch my breath again. - it was embarrassing but they were understanding that it was part of an illness.  That i wasn't trying to get attention.

It is still a challenge to explain to people about the dynamics of this illness, and people who have lived through some challenges with mental illness understand where i am coming from. But i still come across people who think i should buckle up. That I lie, that I am selfish.   But too bad for them. They won't be ever open to such challenges. 

But there will be new challenges throughout the year- as new opportunities present themselves. I have been considering doing a calendar  to sell- i think it is plausible in my village. And with Töpferhaus shows.  In addition my cousins are asking that I do a series of art cards. That is more in her budget than my paintings. I would love to combine my poetry with my art to create the cards. I would love to do a calendar of flowers.  Or angels,  or skies and landscapes. To show all the different mediums that I would work with for one topic. 

One more challenge is to blog more.  Maybe two big blogs per month.  I know there are people blog everyday but I am blogging when big themes in my life come up that deal with the Borderline Issue. Not everything shows its ugly head with regards to having BPD  or its sub symptoms and adversities.  And I think in regards to themes that show themselves. That might come up more in my Twitter chat. But that in itself may present a theme worth blogging.   Next week definitely presents itself with the subject of dissociation- that will definitely be worth blogging about. That itself will be a challenge on how to present an understandable way how dissociation presents itself with me. ( be prepared for colored charts. And freestyle diagrams. )  

Mistrust and sensory overload

It is as simple as being in a grocery store on a busy day- a store i am not used to - the way people move where to be wh's coming who's going and where i am in this whole mess of it.  I just don't trust my awkward sense of space and my own awkwardness that comes with having CP and how I process the world around me.

This also explains part of why skiing and biking really don't do anything for me.let alone driving- i am way more relaxed being on a train. ( i still need my skills even going on the tram in the morning)  

It really seemed prominent this morning shopping with my mom.  I don't come to this store that much ( maybe once every few years.  And having ten people going one way and same with the other direction and so many conversations.  But i think it is more than just my CP , there is my hearing, and my overall sensory tolerance with my anxiety levels.  It sets me in an almost frozen stance or making stupid moves everyone else takes for granted that you just don't do. Fight or flight?  That "can't do anything right so don't do anything at all" mentality, or there is just too many signals going and i will choose the wrong signal- I was awful as a kid crossing the street- looking then suddenly sprinting because i misread a signal. My mom kindly reminded me that i battled with this issue for years - nothing new but with her seeing just me now, she was reminded how I get - is this also a form of a learning disability. The inability to handle too much information at once - otherwise known as sensory overload and being unable to make an appropriate decision. Or is just the complete awkwardness of not trusting how my own body will work. - stairs freaked me out for years - still does- and then the thought of a crowd racing behind me on stairs and me not having anything to grasp - in highschool we had to run the bleachers most of which had no rails threw me into levels of fear and nightmares. The teachers would never understand though they knew i battled with CP, seems ironic now really- teachers knowing that you face these physical limitations but putting you in a postion that is really quite dangerous. They knew i could walk almost as good as most kids.  But there were limitations. Begging not to do it would have been pointless. Getting a note from my Doctor or principal was equally fruitless. ( maybe it would have been something- no i needed to slip on the stairs and twist my ankle for them to realise exactly how unstable i was on the stairs.   But yes crowds going just make me terrified it is like the movies where everything is speeding and you are stopped and in observance, and you are unsure what move to make.  Every move feels like it will cause an accident. Then you decide to throw caution to the wind,  and just go regardless what mistake you are going to make because odds are that you will make a mistake anyways.