My word is Challenge. I can set a challenge each month for myself. It means i can try something new each month push myself that bit more on a subject for a month. One month may be to do more typography or more mixed media for a month, try more portraiture, work with oils for a month, and so forth. So for january i took an artclass that taught me some techniques in mixed media - layering and just new techniques. I challenged myself last year with working on a large project with plaster, and working on getting the point of convergence. ( that absorbed itself in a few paintings) the year before I challenged myself to improve enough to handle a P!Nk concert I was invited to. Which proves that if i really wanted to I could gain control of my symptoms rather than my symptoms overtaking me.
But I know that i need a certain amount of support. I needed support of a friend who understood my challenges and be able to plan an escape route if there is a sensory overload and I panic.
Just like going on the plane for a long flight. I am dreading the flight back but i am planning that i have my meds closer to me( not up in the overhead but below the seat.) and say to the stewardess that i do need assistance when I get to Heathrow airport because it is so tight between flights. I can't walk fast enough for the size of terminal that it is, In addition get through all the checkpoints. So having a bit of a plan will allieviate some of the stress. ( i didn't forsee feeling claustrophobic on the flight coming out- really- i thought that since i am a seasoned flyer, and I have a window seat and the movies to watch, I would be fine. All it took was a lady to move her seat back, and I started to hyperventilate. I am too considerate of others- i didn't want to wake the girls next to me and since i was in panic i didn't think logically to move my seat back, all i realised was that my skills and my meds were up above in my backpack and i couldn't seem to get help from a stewardess. And when i finally got her i was in tears- not a full sob but she saw my fear in my eyes. Helped me get out that I could get out, get my meds and catch my breath again. - it was embarrassing but they were understanding that it was part of an illness. That i wasn't trying to get attention.
It is still a challenge to explain to people about the dynamics of this illness, and people who have lived through some challenges with mental illness understand where i am coming from. But i still come across people who think i should buckle up. That I lie, that I am selfish. But too bad for them. They won't be ever open to such challenges.
But there will be new challenges throughout the year- as new opportunities present themselves. I have been considering doing a calendar to sell- i think it is plausible in my village. And with Töpferhaus shows. In addition my cousins are asking that I do a series of art cards. That is more in her budget than my paintings. I would love to combine my poetry with my art to create the cards. I would love to do a calendar of flowers. Or angels, or skies and landscapes. To show all the different mediums that I would work with for one topic.
One more challenge is to blog more. Maybe two big blogs per month. I know there are people blog everyday but I am blogging when big themes in my life come up that deal with the Borderline Issue. Not everything shows its ugly head with regards to having BPD or its sub symptoms and adversities. And I think in regards to themes that show themselves. That might come up more in my Twitter chat. But that in itself may present a theme worth blogging. Next week definitely presents itself with the subject of dissociation- that will definitely be worth blogging about. That itself will be a challenge on how to present an understandable way how dissociation presents itself with me. ( be prepared for colored charts. And freestyle diagrams. )
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