Heat wave and the change

Oh dear God we have temps of 34 celsius and i had started the change- so i can't  tell if i am feeling the hot flushes or just not coping with this heat. 

I don't seem to have strength to go across the road to get som fruit for tomorrow. So i can go for a picnic with the kids.  

Borderline but a quicker changeover than bipolar.

 Just saw a documentary from the perspective of the daughter of Frank Bruno.  Hew was diagnosed a few years ago with Bipolar disorder. I think how they described the people on a the high end of bi-polar i could understand what was going on with my dad, and also to a degree with me. It does make me fear for my children to a degree. They can't understand why i don't phone as often as i should but i am trying as hell to be civil with this man who was abusive to me infront of the children, and yet has the kids because my system couldn't take anymore. Although it is rather liberating  to have my things back with meit has been an emotional couple of weeks. And i will have another very emotional week if i don't find an exit out of switzerland next week.  I know that even taking my meds can keep me in better keel with most stresses, we are quite unsure how i will be able to handle the up and coming two nights of fieworks.  I could really end up ina bad space again though i am trying to keep a positive space of mind.  I mean i never know what will set me off and i haven't been in the best of moods the last few days so i am feeling rather vulnerable again. H has her family because she had thought i would be awayinparis ( that totally blew up in my face) 

My mother still can't quite figure out why I can't just stick my headphones on at max volume and put the covers over my head. Condition myself to them. My mom missed out when people slammed doors or a car alarm gets set off how i react, and how i still need so much help. How i totally get confused as to my time frame. Luckily today H was already right there with me when somebodies car alarm got set off. But even i fear my own reactions -i could be cowering or i could turn into a tornado emptyIng my closet, throwing things around, breaking drinking glasses to cut myself up.  This is my first year on my own for the fireworks and it terrifies me.

Back to the diary card

So i admitted to H today that i ran out of my diary cards and failed to copy new ones.  So today i spent about 5 franks at the copy machine at the grocery store  ( screwed up royally on 20 copies duh had the paper the wrong way and pressed for twenty instead of doing a test run and checking) this heat is really getting to my head (and feet)  

Then when i figured what was wrong i had to do another 2 franks to get about ten copies- i really need my own printer. But like i said dumb mistake on my park 

So now i customized them for me ( all ten copies ) and started again from yesterday.

What was my good thing yesterday?

Am involved in a messageboard for reducing the stigma attached to borderline personalitiy disorder-via twitter and facebook.

I may be moving my website later off facebook- not sure I like the layout on facebook for advertising my art and some people weren't sure about getting to see the art if they aren't a member of facebook.

Til nest round

The story has started to take form

Well i have actually came up with a cool title though not hundred percent sure it would stick.  None the less i have sent it off to a publishing company to be checked over. As the story developed itself so did the need to find the right publisher.  Writing a story that falls in the psychology area and not having a doctorate leaves you feeling inadequate though you know that having sat with your own psychiatrist you were truly on to something. And if a publisher was scouting you out via twitter you may seem skeptical, but you know it is a ticket.

Writing a book

Starting a book but my brain can't seem to handle the back and forth between the two languages. And i keep feeling like an important piece of my diagnostic puzzle is missing. Oh well i will do the tables for the time being.

 

Painting is a skill !!

UNot only may it give me a future but it does calm me down when i am facing my higher stress level. It helps distract me and direct me.  The difference between a professional artist and an amateur really is marketing- you don't market yourself you won't get very far.  But at the same time find  out what your competition is and figure out what really is your style.

I figure my style is motion  there is always a sense of motion in my work and if there isn't i get nervous.

Darn those balloons and thank goodness for quick thinking of others

What else could be more terrifying to me than a balloon bursting just behind me without warning. Everybody was shocked as no one was expecting it. But i nearly dove under my chair and i was so shocked i couldn't cry and basically started to fold together. My care nurse knew how to catch me from totally folding in together. By quickly shouting my name to get the eye contact. So we kept the eye contact but the rest of the round i was holding on to my chair for dear life. Holding my breath and holding back any tears. Not here not now- not everyone knows my vulnerability. i am the strong one- maybe i am strong because I show my vulnerability? If i talk about the shame about dissociating- if i talk about the shame of having borderline personality disorder,- if i talk about the shame of not being able to have my kids by me. Maybe the shame won't be so debilitating.