Schoolgirls crush

He is an enigma that entered my realm in January as he would walk by and suddenly my heart would spring like a schoolgirl.  The last time I truly felt that spring I was a schoolgirl- but I am terrified of even developing a new relationship considering my background of allowing myself to be stepped all over and degraded- I just don't need that again - really I don't -but something in me remains intrigued by this rather "tall" man with a red tone to his hair a small well kept beard and moustache . But as my heart jumps leaps and bounds I want to hide- make myself as small as possible - I don't want him to know- besides I am still trying to recover from that marriage. 

 How do I let myself go so long with being treated like crap because I feared being alone or just trying to give the benefit of the doubt- in the end when I realize it is my health at stake is it time to go.  When I finally realize I am not alone when I speak up and it is ok to say no more - by then I had been trampled beyond repair- and I question my worth still. I need to know my own boundaries before I can let someone in again.  It doesn't Sound so good not having custody of your own children - sounds even worse that you can't be left alone with your own children because you dissociate.  Yes some people would get that I was so ill and just need time. But some people don't. Though I was strong enough to say no more  what is to stop me from repeating a bad pattern - who knows - he may be really good but I'm not ready yet for more- though dumm me I am acting like a scool

Girl again.

The cats are gone

The girls are gone as was my energy- and my self belief as my boundaries overstepped way too many times- i felt guilty having to give both up but it was like a sophies choice- i just couldn't pick one over the other. So they both had to go. But everyone knows the shelter they are going to is a good one.   Just as people are abusive to animals it felt like these two were abusing my kindness.  That i neverxould do any right by them- i was getting mixed messages from them- they would lay on the floor tummy full exposed - but next morning i get my bed peed on with me in it- how did i tolerate this for so long. 

 I reall need the break from any animal for a given length of time.

That being said it completely broke me to tears that night having given them over at the vet. And i had pushed myself too hard by going to the studio the next day when i should have stayed home and slept - well i did sleep most of the afternoon on thursday, awake for a couple hours in the evening  then back to bed- dissociating is rather painful at times- headaches and spasm of the whole left side. Unable to look people in the eye- sensory overwhelming. Needed to call H on her day off to come and get me again. (Yet another level of shame there-she came anyways)  i appreciate the day off today- had to clean out the litter box for the last time and pack it away for a while.

I do hope the cats get good homes ( they really need seperate homes) and if moebi still doesn't have a home after a number of months i may consider taking only her back. But for my sanity- i need a break from looking after animals too- just not ready for the responsibility yet. :-(

Happy valentines day

Well this year i am on my own again- but this year i bought myself a bouquet of apricot roses. Because so far this year i have been really good. I have accepted that i will dissociate on occasion. I have come close to self injury pondered a few seconds but moved on got distracted and the need lost momentum somehow. In addition i knew it was time to use my kinectic energy and carve a soap stone. 

I realize in some level i need to work on my issues of my time with/without my son.  Me and my little boy had a tumultuous first year and i didn't. Get to enjoy him like i did my daughter in his first six months. 

Tomorrow i will get to enjoy him all by himself to pick out his first guitar.  I noticed in the last couple years that we had market days - he would always pick out guitars, when i was finally well enough to start returning to my favourite event in the month singing with the kids- i noticed he would study so intently on the guitarist we have for our group. He is lucky that he will have an in house tutor by his grandmothers friend. So by the time he gets to the age where they normally start choosing instruments- he'll have about 4 years under his belt. 

So since my little man needs to learn an instrument so bad- and he keeps turning to guitars turning 4 in the end of march - but this is the best opportunity to have my assistant available  happy valentines my little man I offer you a start with the guitar!  :-)

Darn cats

Well I am at the end of my tether with the cats marking on my bed- 2 times a week I have to monopolize laundry room to wash these pieces and at one point had to sleep on the sofa while I had to even clean the mattress.  

I took these 2 from an assisted living quarters where the cats weren't wanted anymore- they wanted to keep them together- my Place is too small for the both of them. I don't have a separate bedroom.  To shut them off. I am in an attic loft.   I just don't have the patience anymore!  I hate this territorial warfare- it stinks  and I am exhausted.  Am in tears  and near ready to hurt them. 

Kids visit - yes i still need help

The weather was so unpredictable and tobias was complaining of an ear ache again(i am guessing it is from the altitiude change in coming home from the mountains yesterday)  so for six hours in a tiny apartment and my little guy was a bit agressives with the ball- just had lots of energyto burn and i am still not back on 100 % yet so by the end of the six hours i was ready to give the kids back to their dad. 

Yes that is right dad has custody of the kids- i am not a bad mom - but it sure sounds strange that in order for me to see my kids i need someone there- and there are days i am so thankful that i do have that extra support.  But yes in a divorce you coming out of a clinic - an abusive spouse still looks like a better choice because his family network is there- and you coming out of a clinic need time to adjust.- but they are right i need time to get back my strength- my diagnosis is rather complex. And i do have a lower tolerance on life- it doesn't take much to feel overwhelmed and the needs of a three year old and a 7 year old are rather high. One needs an audience for reading the other wants to play ball in a tiny apartment or wants to paint and you want to encourage creativity

It sounds strange to people when they hear i don't have custody of my children. I am in the process of getting visitation wkithout supervision. I try not to see it as that, nor does the lady who helps me. She reminds me i am the boss and determine where i need the help- i try to consisder it like a partnership- married people with kids are a team. ( when things work right)  so how is this help any less different? )  not that i have been any less than honest about my situation- but i just say i had been really sick for a long time( which is true)   And need help as my energy is not like the average person. 

So why do i still feel bad about not having the children when i am the mother- it hurts when i remind myself that the people who were rather abusive to me have custody of my children and there are days that leave me in fear of what they say to the kids about me as they are still very rude to me in front of the kids.  It is not only percieved by me. My assistant has complained to the church how in how i was treated by my ex mother in law.  And there are days it floors me that with everything done to me  i still get up an fight.  Because two little parts of my heart need me.  

First conversation

Worked on my stone project and the name finally emerged as I was going home- she is already quite different Thani anticipated as I first handled the stone two years ago.  

It is amazing how working out restless sad energy could create something so beautiful and loving. She still needs some work  definition in arm legs feet and soften the face but already the main shape has taken form.