Schoolgirls crush

He is an enigma that entered my realm in January as he would walk by and suddenly my heart would spring like a schoolgirl.  The last time I truly felt that spring I was a schoolgirl- but I am terrified of even developing a new relationship considering my background of allowing myself to be stepped all over and degraded- I just don't need that again - really I don't -but something in me remains intrigued by this rather "tall" man with a red tone to his hair a small well kept beard and moustache . But as my heart jumps leaps and bounds I want to hide- make myself as small as possible - I don't want him to know- besides I am still trying to recover from that marriage. 

 How do I let myself go so long with being treated like crap because I feared being alone or just trying to give the benefit of the doubt- in the end when I realize it is my health at stake is it time to go.  When I finally realize I am not alone when I speak up and it is ok to say no more - by then I had been trampled beyond repair- and I question my worth still. I need to know my own boundaries before I can let someone in again.  It doesn't Sound so good not having custody of your own children - sounds even worse that you can't be left alone with your own children because you dissociate.  Yes some people would get that I was so ill and just need time. But some people don't. Though I was strong enough to say no more  what is to stop me from repeating a bad pattern - who knows - he may be really good but I'm not ready yet for more- though dumm me I am acting like a scool

Girl again.