The cats are gone

The girls are gone as was my energy- and my self belief as my boundaries overstepped way too many times- i felt guilty having to give both up but it was like a sophies choice- i just couldn't pick one over the other. So they both had to go. But everyone knows the shelter they are going to is a good one.   Just as people are abusive to animals it felt like these two were abusing my kindness.  That i neverxould do any right by them- i was getting mixed messages from them- they would lay on the floor tummy full exposed - but next morning i get my bed peed on with me in it- how did i tolerate this for so long. 

 I reall need the break from any animal for a given length of time.

That being said it completely broke me to tears that night having given them over at the vet. And i had pushed myself too hard by going to the studio the next day when i should have stayed home and slept - well i did sleep most of the afternoon on thursday, awake for a couple hours in the evening  then back to bed- dissociating is rather painful at times- headaches and spasm of the whole left side. Unable to look people in the eye- sensory overwhelming. Needed to call H on her day off to come and get me again. (Yet another level of shame there-she came anyways)  i appreciate the day off today- had to clean out the litter box for the last time and pack it away for a while.

I do hope the cats get good homes ( they really need seperate homes) and if moebi still doesn't have a home after a number of months i may consider taking only her back. But for my sanity- i need a break from looking after animals too- just not ready for the responsibility yet. :-(