Kids visit - yes i still need help

The weather was so unpredictable and tobias was complaining of an ear ache again(i am guessing it is from the altitiude change in coming home from the mountains yesterday)  so for six hours in a tiny apartment and my little guy was a bit agressives with the ball- just had lots of energyto burn and i am still not back on 100 % yet so by the end of the six hours i was ready to give the kids back to their dad. 

Yes that is right dad has custody of the kids- i am not a bad mom - but it sure sounds strange that in order for me to see my kids i need someone there- and there are days i am so thankful that i do have that extra support.  But yes in a divorce you coming out of a clinic - an abusive spouse still looks like a better choice because his family network is there- and you coming out of a clinic need time to adjust.- but they are right i need time to get back my strength- my diagnosis is rather complex. And i do have a lower tolerance on life- it doesn't take much to feel overwhelmed and the needs of a three year old and a 7 year old are rather high. One needs an audience for reading the other wants to play ball in a tiny apartment or wants to paint and you want to encourage creativity

It sounds strange to people when they hear i don't have custody of my children. I am in the process of getting visitation wkithout supervision. I try not to see it as that, nor does the lady who helps me. She reminds me i am the boss and determine where i need the help- i try to consisder it like a partnership- married people with kids are a team. ( when things work right)  so how is this help any less different? )  not that i have been any less than honest about my situation- but i just say i had been really sick for a long time( which is true)   And need help as my energy is not like the average person. 

So why do i still feel bad about not having the children when i am the mother- it hurts when i remind myself that the people who were rather abusive to me have custody of my children and there are days that leave me in fear of what they say to the kids about me as they are still very rude to me in front of the kids.  It is not only percieved by me. My assistant has complained to the church how in how i was treated by my ex mother in law.  And there are days it floors me that with everything done to me  i still get up an fight.  Because two little parts of my heart need me.