Triggered and completely unraveled

Yep I had already been feeling vulnerable about my own little son as his birthday is coming up (he'll be turning four - my friends little boy will be turning 3 and I was watching him dance in circles. I needed to leave the room but couldn't leave the party - it was my friends birthday.

But this morning I am completely unraveled and feeling incredibly alone and scared of my emotions or the damage I am capable of doing which would set me back in so many ways- I need to sculpt- I need to push my energies to come forward- but all I can do is sit on my bed and rock back and forth while my temperatures rage all over after I had slammed my batons angrily at my wood-stove and other details in my all apartment sending leaves from a plant all over the place and seriously considering slamming a glass against a wall to smash it to smithereens and slice my arm up again.  I know I'll feel ashamed of doing it- I had done so well for seven months. - I really fight this time of year.  And this year seems no exception- to add to it I am terrified about a health situation that is creeping up on me.

I just punish myself like he'll about my bizarre relationship to my son. I don't know if he knows if anyone truly loves him.  His day mother is his safe harbour- I float in and out with unpredictability. Any attempts to create a physical symbol for him to grasp seems thrown back In my face- his quilt that I made for him to have on his bed is given to me and lays on my bed because my ex can't handle a reminder in the apartment. I can't fight with him in front of the kids and I can't even fight with him in the courts - I am constantly feeling silenced by him where ever I turn- my sons guitar is downstairs by his mom instead of being in his room. Does my son not be allowed his identity to assuage his guilt for this marriage not working- for his need to control people as long he looks good in the end.  End of soap box for today.

Well I finally finished the poem

Yes I finally finished the poem- only need to translate it to German- short simple and to the point.! 

 This poem has been bugging me for weeks to write and I finally got it yesterday!  I posted on allpoetry ! So far just one comment. 

If only it were so simple

I saw a couple quotes about teaching your kids to stand up for themselves. If only it were so simple- i try when i have them- but i am still trying to figure how to stand up for myself. And i hope that when my kids see that i am trying so hard they will understand that i am trying for them. 

My children are young, my children are in the hands of a person who is very conservative and may hold limitations on them that are unacceptable, ( my son has a rare condition called NF1 and now he may be clouded to think he is disabled- my son is most likely to excel in the arts not in sports like he did and most likely won't be doing military duty(thank goodness- i can't imagine this little soul having to carry a gun)   My daughter is so smart but she doesn't want to be different than her classmates.   She gets her weekly work done by wednesday.  But doesn't want to move to her level- guess its enough that her mom doesn't live with her. 

I left an emotional wreckage but i couldn't take my kids with me.  Even if i tried.  I wish to be able to show my kids that i love them - but when they have their own kids they will have difficulty understanding why i couldn't take them with me. - even if i wanted to.

I don't want to have a substitute- I would rather wait 3 weeks

I just want my own care nurse and no substitute.  I know this sounds ridiculous but I hate having to adapt to new people- this coming from one of the most open people- I knew I would need to work on my rage issues so I am knitting and listening to music to keep me calm and really I want to scream- need my batons and I need sleep. I hardly slept a wink last night. Which is clouding my judgement for sure.   

At a park waiting for my kids to arrive

Well - I probably look like a predator while I am sitting at a park waiting for my kids to arrive.  That's right I am a mom and I don't have custody of my own children.  I am not a danger to my children just myself.  I have a severe case of post trauma which entails that I dissociate in 7 forms, ( self harm inclusive)   So now it is just a matter of waiting for the courts to change their des vision - they have gotten the letter from my psychiatrist saying I am in better in handling situations  etc and therefore can judge when I am capable of having the children in my care. So in the meantime with the lovely weather I am meeting my children at a park for an hour with the lady that looks after them on Thursdays.  

Yes a lovely day full of hugs. And a moment where my son panicked because his babysitter left the park- loves me is sad when we have to part but is still not ready to be left alone with me. What a confusing relationship to have between a mother and child.  

End of a good chaos

Well my poor apartment is still showing signs of distress from my last creative endeavour - the purse. And my back has been in horrible shape so I have not been up for tidying up - ugh. I really need to get some things in order so I can start my new painting for my girlfriend. This year I will be able to visit her on her birthday.  Last year I was on crisis intervention the year I was in the beginning of my long term care.  It is as though I keep finding excuses not to do it- but the clock is ticking faster than I thought- it is already middle march- too many projects going on- and I have been stuck on afternoons icing the back of my neck so my back doesn't flare up. Cold on my neck - hot on the lower part of my back.  Some mornings struggling to get up - some evenings wanting to slice up to relieve the tension- but I remind myself- not a good idea- I'll end up with shame and pain.  And not only the back but also where I chose to cut.  So why would I want triple the pain I already  am dealing with? Just for the temporary relief.  The temptation is so high. Just like any other addiction that short term relief only worsens the problem- but that moment at that given time seems so worth it. That razor is not that far away. I would be so relieved of pain and able to do some housework.  But maybe I should be listening to the pain and slowing down and accept the underlying frustration of having someone in my care team being away and the paralyzing fear of being pawned off on someone new.

I don't want to have a substitute- I would rather wait 3 weeks

I just want my own care nurse and no substitute.  I know this sounds ridiculous but I hate having to adapt to new people- this coming from one of the most open people- I knew I would need to work on my rage issues so I am knitting and listening to music to keep me calm and really I want to scream- need my batons and I need sleep. I hardly slept a wink last night. Which is clouding my judgement for sure.   

Karfreitag

So I was asked to write a poem about the 15 stations of the cross and I got overwhelmed half way because it mirrored my own life the last few years the betrayals the judgement with the courts the incredulous low points and emotional batterment  but also the people that came to make the weight a bit lighter  to help wipe away the tears and clear away the blood. The need to help my mother understand. And then to translate it all to German 

The plaster relief seems so much easier to muster- finished the first one today-  only have the photo of pre painted  still proud of relief number one- gives me confidence for rest of set. Still need to draw number 11- 14 - need to figure out where i put my noutes(think i left all my notes at studio- darn.  Will post photos next week when i have a few more reliefs done.

If you know you're weak, thats makes you strong

Yesterday was self-harm awareness day,  and it made me consider what it was that I felt when I made my first cuts.  

I am not new to have bloodwork done, but i will remember as a child the fight of fear when the blood would be taken. Being labeled a difficult patient(my veins were small and out of fear i would kick and scream)  and when the blood was taken there was the release, that ability to breathe, the release of nurses.  And i would see the blood in the syringe and the expression of relief in the nursen the lab. 

And as I discovered i wouldn't feel it as i would start to run the piece of glass across the back of my wrist i felt that surge of releif.  I had seen others with scars up their arms and legs. I couldn't understand how all said that my cuts were superficial because they healed so quickly. I just have a thicker skin. I guess i have a thicker skin because I needed it through my life with constant pokes and prods. I was born with a rare genetic disorder and was regularly subjected to tests. I grew up comforable with changes in doctors. So changes in clinics for my care was nothing new. But this last clinic was going to be diffierent. This group of doctors and therapists would know this time I needed someone  to stay with me through a huge rollercoaster. . I needed somebody to help me because I knew i was so weak, and in that weakness i learned how strong I was going to be.