I have the letter saying i have say in how i take my children and he still is trying to control the situation- absolutely fuming- but i am better at setting my boundaries and limitations of what i will tolerate from him. I can't believe that even with not being with him anymore he is still trying to control the situation. And i need to behave and not self mutilate so that he doesn't have reason- maybe its time to bake bread again so i could get the anger out somehow- i am so listless.. But if he doesn't comply we could get a representative involved. But first step bring him to my psychiatrist. So she can speak to him about the interests of the kids. M has stayed on my case throughout my time in clinic, my time in day clinic, as well as my time with her directly. Just as he threatened that the time i leave the clinic they will drop me. The reason i left him was the verbal abuse, and the emotional abuse that developed to physical abuse. The courts ignored this detail in our separation hearing. They just saw that i came out of the clinic and needed time to adjust to normal life- normal life has gotten quite different than before. Without my children there i needed to fill that void as well as cope with some aspects of my aggrevated Post traumatic Stress disorder. In around april of last year my acting psychiatrist finally found the best recipe to allow me to live life to its max, weaken the dissociative states, and allow me to sleep again! With this combination I truly could set my boundaries and tolerate triggers better. I still dissociate off and on but i usually have warning- i know my signals. I know what is a weak round that i can bounce back from and when to call for help. My daughter gives me reason to fight and stand my boundaries, my son is still young, but my children are experts without me having to tell them. They just get quiet til i come back. They stay near me til the wave is over.
None the less trying to reason with him over texting just proved it would be hard to sit with him without a mediator. My children deserve more time with me. I am capable of cooking, and helping with homework. My daughter looks forward to sitting with me and reading, colouring, playing boardgames, i did these things when i was much more ill and he didn't bat an eye, but now that i have a diagnosis it is a challenge to prove anything. - why should i expect any, different his mother doesn't speak with me directly when i am standing there. She spoke with my assistant. Yes the lady that i have is my assistant- ( and friend) she has stated to me as the year progressed and i gained confidence in my time with my kids that i am boss and state where i need the help. She gave me the space to be with my kids. She watched as i was confident in setting rules and being fair with the kids. My dr also saw my strength over the last year, and everyone who worked with me knows how important my kids are to me. How hard I worked to find some emotional stability. How much my time with the kids is important- i save all the best energy for them and when they go i can break a bit.
It is so hard to say good bye to my son some days he just breaks apart when i go. We have worked so hard to find one another emotionally. We went from a point of me being his defender, to him not knowing who i was anymore( i tell you that would crush a mothers soul) , to me coming back to his life and daily routine again, only to need to leave again because i was way more ill than anyone truly imagined. His second birthday i celebrated as a picnic at the clinic while i was in acute. My mom came to help for a couple weeks. Then he was more regularly with a day mother then settled into a daycare. With the day mother once a week that i could see both of the kids. Now that i have been out of clinic for a year( visitation to my station to say hello to the family i had after i said no more to the marriage. ) I have taken all these steps and put my children first and foremost, and it is not enough because i have a complex diagnosis of borderline personality and complex post traumatic stress disorder.
There are days i want to write a letter to an aunt that hurt my feelings so much as i started my new life without children. I had to deal with traumas being brought to life again facing a court that would make a decision. That would hurt me in many ways.
In reality i did need the time that i will accept but i had to prove so much and i think i always will. But you know what, i am strong i am a survivor, i am a mother. I am a phoenix rising from the ashes.
I am grateful for my church, i am grateful for my doctors and my support team as well as the art studio who knew from the beginning how important my kids are to me.
