Darn cats

Well I am at the end of my tether with the cats marking on my bed- 2 times a week I have to monopolize laundry room to wash these pieces and at one point had to sleep on the sofa while I had to even clean the mattress.  

I took these 2 from an assisted living quarters where the cats weren't wanted anymore- they wanted to keep them together- my Place is too small for the both of them. I don't have a separate bedroom.  To shut them off. I am in an attic loft.   I just don't have the patience anymore!  I hate this territorial warfare- it stinks  and I am exhausted.  Am in tears  and near ready to hurt them. 

Kids visit - yes i still need help

The weather was so unpredictable and tobias was complaining of an ear ache again(i am guessing it is from the altitiude change in coming home from the mountains yesterday)  so for six hours in a tiny apartment and my little guy was a bit agressives with the ball- just had lots of energyto burn and i am still not back on 100 % yet so by the end of the six hours i was ready to give the kids back to their dad. 

Yes that is right dad has custody of the kids- i am not a bad mom - but it sure sounds strange that in order for me to see my kids i need someone there- and there are days i am so thankful that i do have that extra support.  But yes in a divorce you coming out of a clinic - an abusive spouse still looks like a better choice because his family network is there- and you coming out of a clinic need time to adjust.- but they are right i need time to get back my strength- my diagnosis is rather complex. And i do have a lower tolerance on life- it doesn't take much to feel overwhelmed and the needs of a three year old and a 7 year old are rather high. One needs an audience for reading the other wants to play ball in a tiny apartment or wants to paint and you want to encourage creativity

It sounds strange to people when they hear i don't have custody of my children. I am in the process of getting visitation wkithout supervision. I try not to see it as that, nor does the lady who helps me. She reminds me i am the boss and determine where i need the help- i try to consisder it like a partnership- married people with kids are a team. ( when things work right)  so how is this help any less different? )  not that i have been any less than honest about my situation- but i just say i had been really sick for a long time( which is true)   And need help as my energy is not like the average person. 

So why do i still feel bad about not having the children when i am the mother- it hurts when i remind myself that the people who were rather abusive to me have custody of my children and there are days that leave me in fear of what they say to the kids about me as they are still very rude to me in front of the kids.  It is not only percieved by me. My assistant has complained to the church how in how i was treated by my ex mother in law.  And there are days it floors me that with everything done to me  i still get up an fight.  Because two little parts of my heart need me.  

First conversation

Worked on my stone project and the name finally emerged as I was going home- she is already quite different Thani anticipated as I first handled the stone two years ago.  

It is amazing how working out restless sad energy could create something so beautiful and loving. She still needs some work  definition in arm legs feet and soften the face but already the main shape has taken form.

The Remnants of a Parental Suicide,

The Remnants of a Parental Suicide,

It was 1975, He had just turned 25 on new years day, and was freshly diagnosed with Manic Depression.  And was known to self medicate with whatever drugs he could get his hands on. He had finally gotten a steady job as a bus driver. He was a father to a 13 month old little girl,and he was married to a devoted wife.  

Though she would account of many incidents of battery and emotional abuse. I do recall hearing my mother being slammed up against the wall. And as an infant I would shut down in fear (the deer in front of an oncoming truck) I would  develop this coping mechanism  as I grew and encountered other abusive situations( apparently typical of survivors of suicide-murder) I encounter bouts of guilt as i was not a healthy baby. - i was born with a lack of oxygen, and later we discovered my thyroid non function - i was in and out of hospital in my first few weeks of life.  I am sure my father used that against my mother when I wasn't there. 

One night he decided to mix a few drinks and probably dropped some acid as well as taking his medication. It was a deadly decision that almost cost the life of not only himself but his wife and daughter(me). After the drinks he went home and became physically abusive to my mother, and threatened to burn down the house with us in it. I would hear all this in my crib in the neighbouring room

My mother was smarter(and sober) and grabbed me from my crib and ran to the neighbours, the first set of neighbours were not home, so she ran to the next, in which she was confronted by him shouting and blaming his low self esteem on her, and wielded a sawed off gun pointing at himself. She had gotten me to safety with the neighbours taking me in. My mother was in the depths of the drama, the fear, and the fighting. She hadn't known I was propped up in a window by the curious kids. 

He turned the gun on himself and shot himself in the stomach that night. Everyone was shocked. Not only had I witnessed the violent suicide of my own father, but  I was dropped and abandoned for a time while everyone was running in different direction like decapitated chickens in shock.  

My mother needed to be drugged up with valium due to witnessing such a violent act. We Somehow did make it to Vancouver so he could be cared for in the larger hospital, and my grandparents could care for me while my mom would be spending time by his bedside praying, talking to him, and when he finally died due to the gangrene infection, my mother needed to be medicated yet again. I needed her but she didn't have the strength then to acknowledge my presence. I remember having a rest with her in the big bed in the guest room of my grandparents,  I woke calling to her, climbing up on her and not getting a response.  I didn't understand what was going on I was just an infant who lost her daddy, and scared she was losing her mommy too.  

My grandfather stepped up to the role of father for me. And doted on me when I came to visit or if they came to visit us.

But to lose a father to a violent suicide disrupted my sense of value- I wasn't a good enough person or he would have wanted to live,  I didn't understand these highs and intense lows until later in my life where I became diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder.  In my therapies I discovered my sensitivity to sudden loud abrupt noises that would find me cowered under tables not feeling sure what time frame I was in. There are self help groups for the parents or spouses left behind. Although 7,000-12,000 children( Hopkins Chilterns Center) lose their parents to suicide.   There are approximately 20,000 homicides in the United States annually. In 2002, 8.6% of

victims were killed by their spouse, 5.5% were children killed by a parent, 7.4% were killed by a family member, other than their spouse or parent, and 7.3% were killed by their boyfriend or girlfriend. The vast majority of these deaths are related to domestic violence.Fathers who kill children and then themselves often meet the criteria

for domestic abuse of their partners, including contact with the police. Even many suicides

by women are thought to be associated with battering.( survivors resources) 

There are no groups for the children left behind- it is either not acknowledged that people who take their lives could possibly even be parents.  I see groups for those who were the spouse,partner, or parent of the suicide victim.  But never a group for the child (adult survivor). Or is it just too hard to talk about.  Is it that group could never be acknowledged because if we acknowledged that it occurred we have to acknowledge that we let a group that have been left unattended to.

 Yes as children we are narcissistic in our reactions to the suicide - we take on a level of blame- if onlys.    I am also guilty of those as I got older.   I was also having nightmares, had fears of rooms that were long and dark.  But I couldn't put words to everything.    This issue seemed to fall through the cracks, people didn't want to admit to the possibility that i was a witness to this horrible event. They just wanted to concentrate on my development due to my rare genetic disorder.  Because they didn't detect it soon enough - it was suspected i may have mental retardation- i had a physical challenge. But i was more than intelligent enough.  And this may have made me more of a fighter in my life. I knew there was something out there that wanted me and my mother to live.  And I have had to be persistent in my story until finally as I came to the end of my teenager years a psychologist finally believed me as she noticed some of my other fears and anxieties came out.  It was clear I had a complicated history, and that I would feel isolated when people would learn how my father died but that through a change in hormones from a pregnancy I developed a mental illness. People are scared to hear of this possibility that we could possibly inherit a mental illness. But we had already battled most of our lives with post trauma anyways. (What is one or two more to top it off)  i tried joining a group where they had child survivors and I was reprimanded for being honest.  Again a way for me to feel isolated and strange for my situation.  I stand out, I try to move forward but a part of me is stuck and cannot move forward because this infant is unable to cry- she is that deer suddenly trapped in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic of bright lights and screeching brakes.   She must be quiet as the situation was life threatening. And the advocating mother in me says - I will not keep this topic a taboo. 

I spent years dealing with various psychiatrists (partially due to my being born with a rare thyroid condition) and when I was old enough to tell my perspective even small segments I  was accused of lying, of telling something I may have heard in gossip. I was only 13 months old when it happened.  How could I have remembered that event.?  The question is how could I I was at an age where I didn't have a vocabulary so my coping mechanism to shut down physically and emotionally.  I learned at the age of 38 that I dissociated in 7 forms to cope with the trauma.

The last straw was when my husband had hit me while I had my son in my arms because I slammed the door and locked it to protect myself and get my son to stop his screaming.  I was triggered to relive these events in new detail that i would never thought possible. 

This brought me to two clinics where I would spend a total of 15 months trying to get back on my feet again. Yes I felt suicidal many times but I stopped myself and asked for help- I did not need to repeat history and leave my children short of a parent.  

I started the bizarre behaviours marking my post traumatic stress disorder - these 7 forms of dissociation found me unsure of my time span( usually triggered by a sudden loud bang), days where my left side behaves as though I have had a stroke, or times where a tornado basically rips through a room breaking things and me in a corner debating on whether or not i should injure myself so I could come back to reality. 

It has taken a team to help me learn to trust, and to understand why 38 years my body behaves this way and that I should be nice to myself at this time of year. And yes 39 years later my body still knows what happened but now I have someone to help me through the rough days I had a wonderful group of nurses, doctors and therapists that do believe me and helped me tolerate my environment better. And I thank them wholeheartedly. 

Gemma Luescher-Verseckas  

Something isn't right

And i should have said something to my psychiatrist when i saw her today- i noticed the whole day i w very edgy and irritable before going to see her this morning  - i saw a series of expensive cars and i wanted to key them- this is so not typical of me- sort of had to tell my responsible self to behave.  I got up to the art-studio for a session of art cafe i was extremely critical of myself  though i did a good painting. And tried using coffee grounds for texture.for a porous rock. 

Then i had my appointment- having to rehash information about my family dynamics about my family tree. 

I want to drink something strong and i want to self injure. - but i had worked so hard to keep my arm so clean of wounds.  I really don't understand how i could wake up and feel such a rage or feel the need to cause damage to extremely expensive cars. I have never been one to cause damage.  i am the good responsible one to look out for others. Adapt to life.  I accept that i have dissociative states, i accept that i need some people to help me  so i can spend time with my children and to have people to keep an eye on me. Do they know something i don't

I know my mom warned me that my dad was aln alcoholic and drug addict( i am not my dad but i do show vulnerabilities -and since i am BPD  with certainmedications to help calm my dissociative states. It is not to say that suddenly my aggressive side won't pop up now and then.  But i can't seem to let it out and cry- i know i have the foam batons. But the bed looks like a better idea.  And so does popcorn with piri piri.   

Not sure about shooting practice

So far so good no shooting yet,

But was saying to my mom- i would love a drink to take the edge off so i could get to choir practice. I saw that i got through the fireworks because i had a champagne starter with supper.  It is so tempting. - then my mom reminded me that i have to be so careful with alcohol because my father was a drug addict as well as being an alcoholic. And combining alcohol with my meds is not a good idea.  Sense from my mother. Seeing as i am dissociative   And borderline dipping into alcohol is not a good idea. 

Oh if only. Am i really a prick for trying to stay so clean? 

Oh please it would be so good a bit of rum with coke.

I can't breathe an ounce with sophia

My ex is trying to control my efforts to make progress and have time with my daughter. And my daughter was standing right there while he is still trying to control me and here i feel like i am begging again to have time with my older child who requires less supervision when with me. Help this is exactly why i left him- he made me feel like less than human and consistently does it in front of the kids.   

I thought by saying no more marriage he has no more right to treat me so. But he still does it.

Damn