One little word

So a group of friends started a theme for a year based on one word for a year.  This is way better than a resolution. It can be symbolic of what is happening that year! But it can be similar to that of a resolution. 

My word is Challenge. I can set a challenge each month for myself.  It means i can try something new each month push myself that bit more on a subject for a month.   One month may be to do more typography or more mixed media for a month, try more portraiture, work with oils for a month,  and so forth.   So for january i took an artclass that taught me some techniques in mixed media - layering and just new techniques. I challenged myself last year with working on a large project with plaster, and working on getting the point of convergence. ( that absorbed itself in a few paintings)  the year before I challenged myself to improve enough to handle a P!Nk concert I was invited to. Which proves that if i really wanted to I could gain control of my symptoms rather than my symptoms overtaking me.   

But I know that i need a certain amount of support.  I needed support of a friend who understood my challenges and be able to plan an escape route if there is a sensory overload and I panic. 

Just like going on the plane for a long flight. I am dreading the flight back but i am planning that i have my meds closer to me( not up in the overhead but below the seat.) and say to the stewardess that i do need assistance when I get to Heathrow airport because it is so tight between flights. I can't walk fast enough for the size of terminal that it is, In addition get through all the checkpoints.  So having a bit of a plan will allieviate some of the stress.  ( i didn't forsee feeling claustrophobic on the flight coming out- really- i thought that since i am a seasoned flyer, and I have a window seat  and the movies to watch, I would be fine.  All it took was a lady to move her seat back, and I started to hyperventilate. I am too considerate of others- i didn't want to wake the girls next to me and since i was in panic i didn't think logically to move my seat back, all i realised was that my skills and my meds were up above in my backpack and i couldn't seem to get help from a stewardess.   And when i finally got her i was in tears- not a full sob but she saw my fear in my eyes. Helped me get out that I could get out, get my meds and catch my breath again. - it was embarrassing but they were understanding that it was part of an illness.  That i wasn't trying to get attention.

It is still a challenge to explain to people about the dynamics of this illness, and people who have lived through some challenges with mental illness understand where i am coming from. But i still come across people who think i should buckle up. That I lie, that I am selfish.   But too bad for them. They won't be ever open to such challenges. 

But there will be new challenges throughout the year- as new opportunities present themselves. I have been considering doing a calendar  to sell- i think it is plausible in my village. And with Töpferhaus shows.  In addition my cousins are asking that I do a series of art cards. That is more in her budget than my paintings. I would love to combine my poetry with my art to create the cards. I would love to do a calendar of flowers.  Or angels,  or skies and landscapes. To show all the different mediums that I would work with for one topic. 

One more challenge is to blog more.  Maybe two big blogs per month.  I know there are people blog everyday but I am blogging when big themes in my life come up that deal with the Borderline Issue. Not everything shows its ugly head with regards to having BPD  or its sub symptoms and adversities.  And I think in regards to themes that show themselves. That might come up more in my Twitter chat. But that in itself may present a theme worth blogging.   Next week definitely presents itself with the subject of dissociation- that will definitely be worth blogging about. That itself will be a challenge on how to present an understandable way how dissociation presents itself with me. ( be prepared for colored charts. And freestyle diagrams. )  

Mistrust and sensory overload

It is as simple as being in a grocery store on a busy day- a store i am not used to - the way people move where to be wh's coming who's going and where i am in this whole mess of it.  I just don't trust my awkward sense of space and my own awkwardness that comes with having CP and how I process the world around me.

This also explains part of why skiing and biking really don't do anything for me.let alone driving- i am way more relaxed being on a train. ( i still need my skills even going on the tram in the morning)  

It really seemed prominent this morning shopping with my mom.  I don't come to this store that much ( maybe once every few years.  And having ten people going one way and same with the other direction and so many conversations.  But i think it is more than just my CP , there is my hearing, and my overall sensory tolerance with my anxiety levels.  It sets me in an almost frozen stance or making stupid moves everyone else takes for granted that you just don't do. Fight or flight?  That "can't do anything right so don't do anything at all" mentality, or there is just too many signals going and i will choose the wrong signal- I was awful as a kid crossing the street- looking then suddenly sprinting because i misread a signal. My mom kindly reminded me that i battled with this issue for years - nothing new but with her seeing just me now, she was reminded how I get - is this also a form of a learning disability. The inability to handle too much information at once - otherwise known as sensory overload and being unable to make an appropriate decision. Or is just the complete awkwardness of not trusting how my own body will work. - stairs freaked me out for years - still does- and then the thought of a crowd racing behind me on stairs and me not having anything to grasp - in highschool we had to run the bleachers most of which had no rails threw me into levels of fear and nightmares. The teachers would never understand though they knew i battled with CP, seems ironic now really- teachers knowing that you face these physical limitations but putting you in a postion that is really quite dangerous. They knew i could walk almost as good as most kids.  But there were limitations. Begging not to do it would have been pointless. Getting a note from my Doctor or principal was equally fruitless. ( maybe it would have been something- no i needed to slip on the stairs and twist my ankle for them to realise exactly how unstable i was on the stairs.   But yes crowds going just make me terrified it is like the movies where everything is speeding and you are stopped and in observance, and you are unsure what move to make.  Every move feels like it will cause an accident. Then you decide to throw caution to the wind,  and just go regardless what mistake you are going to make because odds are that you will make a mistake anyways.

New promo film for book enjoy!

http://youtu.be/F8rgYgLhKtg

Interview for Book with Fiona McVie

Hi thats our interview live and here is the link to share and thanks

http://wp.me/p3uv2y-1Qa

Success and the worldwide web.

I was asked once what was my definition of success- ok here i am - i haven't actually sold a book yet on these platforms that i know of but to wake up one morning and discover that my book is on amazon.com and Barnes and noble sites i am am on the springboard of success! 

 It still feels quite dreamlike though but i have found what i consider success.  And you?

http://www.amazon.com/See-Through-Stained-Glass-Night/dp/8494299662/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414529676&sr=8-1&keywords=Gemma+Luescher-Verseckas

Back in clinic so no trip to france

So after all that research and finding a sofa and a friend to accompany me life threw me some upheavals again!  

My son had been showing a problem with his motor skills and speech and since i had muscular dystrophy in my family there was a fear he had that in addition to his existing NF1- blood test and neurovist concluded no muscular dystrophy- i can breathe a sigh of relief but at the end of the visit the dr said if tobias shows signs of continuous headaches with nausea an vomiting or siezures then to bring him in. My ex's dad had a strange brain tumor and NF1 is known for brain tumours as well.  It is an unsettling way to leave an appointment knowing that ex has no idea what a siezure can look like. It isn't always the jolting body.

As I earlier stated I am back in clinic as I am not coping welling with the fireworks leading up to 1st of august.  And this week was especially difficult even under the watchful eyes of professionals.  The room next to me had an acute autistic young man( requiring extra caregivers and being locked in his room like a prisoner)  i feel for the boy but in my fragile state i can't handle his loud sudden outbursts banging the wall- so i asked if i could change rooms knowing the one i am in now was empty as of this morning!  So early this morning was a hustle to pack up and move rooms!  ;-) already much better! And this weekend i am on my own in the room!

I am still in danger of self harm if triggered the wrong way- but this time i brought my baton to smash against a wall instead of breaking glass.  But stupid me I pulled my shoulder with hauling my suitcase here and pulling the wagon on saturday.

Some ignorant comment about dealing with triggers

Some people think that i am acting spoiled because i want to leave switzerland over the week of the 1st of august. People think i should just stick a pillow over my head and blare music in my ears to drown out the constant bangs of fireworks. 

These ignorant comments are from people who have no idea how fireworks trigger dissociation, nor do they realise the extent that affects my body- so i could try to drown out hearing them but- my body learned years ago how to feel noise and music( something people with hearing loss often discover as children as a coping mechanism. Ignorant people also don't realise that with such triggers i can become a danger to myself and most of my resource people are also away!  Here in switzerland many people with pets also go across the border- fireworks cause undue stress toanimals that also can affect behaviours from normally calm to very nervous to very aggressive- so goes the same for many with PTSD. Fireworks are loud, sudden and unpredictable- like gunshots.  So i am not whining i am taking the advice of health professionals to get out of switzerland during this week so i would not need to endure unduly stress upon my nervous system.

I have a span of seven forms of dissociation- flight to extreme form is like paralysis- i look like i have had a stroke, my speech becomes non xistant, and my left side is so tight and cramped. And i hate being touched- i am in sensory overload at this point. Oh and my blood pressure drops to a low, and my body temperature drops that i would need 2 duvets.

On the flipside if i get to the fight then beware things fly, glass would be broken and i would injure my arm and possibly my face. Things get broken the kinetic energy is almost unpalpable.

Otherwise most days i just deal with anxiety levels and never go anywhere withoit my main skills. 

So for those people who think PTSD is all in the head think again.