Ideas and shows

Everyone has been telling me i need to go bigger in my pictures. And i need to consider an entry for the art show in the kantonal gallery- i have been trying for the last couple years - i will try two abstract pieces that i had done in malcafe- they were stunning as is in gouache but my friends remind me that i could do these abstract sky, and redo my piece across the blue horizon. I might do these in oil instead of acrylic. But i have a better choice of colours in acrylic and can play a lot more with oil or acrylic 

I now have learned a system to price my pieces when i am doing a commision- i have a few commisions to do so they are keeping me hopping-but i need to get through my daughters birthday first. 

The piñata is causing me a bit of grief falling apart in a corner!  I have such plans with this little piece. Oh well will try to see ohow it dries and maybe i could save it.

Working on a rose commision and i realised i was getting restless with the piece-?weekend  take a break and start what i want to present to the art gallery.  Then go back. Maybe i'll get more inspired- i would really like to finish the piece, but my issues with following through with goals is scraming at me. 

In the background i want to create a calendar to sell this year and to give to family as a present.

Too much work and no direction feeling just overwhelmed in my work.

But i will try to see through- hell we have a show in october, a possible show for november through to january and trying to get in with the gallery. To get my art known.

My mother told me that i really do speak through my art, i am so grateful i have the studio, to bounce ideas, be inspired, understand each other.  So i don't shut down when i need to do the work.

Shell shocked

So since I had my daughter I couldn't take extra medication, but my system went on red alert when I heard the gunshots at 9 at night after getting back from the party at the studio.  And this evening was the storm ( that thunder even though only a few brief minutes rattled my fear again) this evening I had the permission to take something - I didn't have to be up by a certain hour. )  but as I write this it is 2:43 in the morning.  And I am only starting to yawn.  I tried to concentrate today. But I couldn't do the task at hand like I did last week. The horse painting is done as it the island in water landscape' the rooster and the sunflowers.  It was a very prolific week last week and this week my brain feels like it's on jello. The piece I did for mal Cafe was a quick piece. And the second piece my head was playing a piece of music.  The question from mal Cafe was the horizont between heaven and earth and all I could think of was fire, sunsets dragons fire.

My heart seems lost in a space of uncertainty. It beats for a friend, but I don't think his beats for me.  Or maybe he was wise and saw the uncertainty of Sophia.   I explained to Sophia that my friendship is more like that of the guys in her class and social group. You have fun together, you trust they will be there in class, you trust they are part of your day   And there is a friendship there and nothing more.  And you don't want to wreck that friendship.  We have things in common and we understand when we are having a difficult time. We know each other's weakness and help each other out.  We don't think any less of each other because of our challenges.  And I wish for her to understand these friends are equally as important. 

Preventative measures

Well i reacted to a thunder lightening storm last night leaving me feeling crippled on my left side! So since i learned there was going to be a storm again tonight ( which turned out to be on  the other valley) i had to say no to having my little girl stay over this weekend. It may be hard to say no to her visiting but she needs her mom to look after her not the reverse!  So i will take her the next weekend there is no sunday school. 

But i also needed to take some medication so my body wouldn't be so sensitive to the abruptness of a thunder/lightning storm. If anyone tells me to suck it up and just weather it out has never had their bodies react to sound and obviously had little no trauma with guns and violence. Theres a reason i need to steer clear of switzerland and fireworks around the 1. August. But youknow its not just the 1. It's also the week building up and the few days after.  This means that i become less independant as imcan move less, sleep less, speech impairment  and of course More nightmares.  So i will try to " run away over that week if i can. 

But i need to figure out this next week- how to get oun schedule and get this horse painting done. So it is seen exactly phow much talent I have. I am proud to be asked to do portraits of animals - i love doing animals really and landscapes- i was asked to do two pieces of venice! Now thats a tall order.. But i love the challenge.

Is it fear of abandonment or fear of someone new

I feel like I live in the fear of abandonment like i need to say goodbye first and the idea of getting to know new people that I will need to trust. 

In the last 7 months I have been having a change of support staff. Not sure I was so happy about all these goodbyes- since beginning of december i had to say goodbye to the stable person I had hile everything else was chaotic. This support person was my calm in the storm. For pretty much two years.  She came with me venturing on my own after the ten long months in the clinic. She was there when my son got his formal diagnosis. And she was there when my dissociations would get the better of me. And she was there to discuss my health with my team- when was it too much and how much could i handle on my own. She was there when I was barely making it to being strong enough to travel on the plane alone to the other side of the world. She reminded me how strong I really was. Then as I returned back I learned one of the support staff at the studio and someone i really got to trust was leaving to live a dream. While it was hard to let her go I understood the need to go live in a developing country- i lived it already. And I could offer her some advice of what was important to learn in learning a new language. But it still meant saying goodbye again.  And shortly after i was closing a part of my life in that I no longer needed supervision when looking for my kids. Yet again another good bye. ( though the goodbye is not fully finished yet.- we need to do something for the kids to offer them some closure to- it was rather abrupt  in that she was there when i returned from canada and then suddenly i was able to have my son weekday afternoons without supervision. A good thing but as I said it lacked closure. 

But issues run further back and in my time that i was stationed in a clinic I bounced around alot( until the long clinic stay of nine months on one station)  and any short stay I required I would be offered a bed where there was one.  Not with people who really knew my symptoms or why or how I was in trouble and always in the beginning I was shy or just plain terrified of the staff. Though recently it didn't matter about the station staff anymore I know which therapy/therapists to ask for. Because i am comfortable enough with the clinic, rhtyhms, and the church that is connected.  It is a home that i know is there if i should fall back down. 

The last station I stayed the longest on I could learn to trust people would help me understand how my brain was working and that I was working towards a new space of personal progression, to understand that I was more ill than anyone truly credited. That my wings had been injured and need time to heal. But with this team I gained more strength and insight than i hadin my almost 40 years.  And iI learned that i was not alone. I had to make a tough decision to leave an emotionally toxic marriage- emotionally abusive marriage, but I had a team to support me and catch me when I fell. 

I met a friend again in this time that has become like a sister.  Who is still here through it all. 

So my fears of abandonement have been lessened due to this continuum.  But they are still there. My fear of abandonment stems from my infantile months of being ill in a hospital because my mother couldn't be there, my infantile moths of my fathers death. The changeover in babysitters while my mom was trying to go to nursing school. I was not a difficult child but either their lives changed or the babysitter practically ignored me the whole day I was there. 

My fear of abandonment stems from constantly being bullied in school- because i was new, physically challenged with a speech impairment and awaiting hearing aids.  The kids bullying me and the teacher asking why i wasn't playing with the other kids- they don't want me to play  or I was always the last one.  Or teachers turning their back while a whole class sexually harassed me and then act dumbfounded when I leave the room. ( the next teacher knew what i was up against and called the students on their behaviour- i stayed in cooking for another two years because of her) but grade 8 I slipped badly. The bullying was affecting me and my homelife was affecting me, nightmares, and horrible rides to school- I went from aceing math to struggling, and a teacher who didn't get how the class treated me.  I also felt ignored by most of the teacher staff that year. I felt abandoned by most of my classmates,  so I had tried to take my life. - I wasn't exactly feeling worthy to anyone at that time and in my attempt i even lost my doctor. I was going to have to start new with everything. But i had to go back to my old school again and try to hold my head again, bring my grades up again. I did have some teachers who knew what I was capable of. And they gave me some moments to shine again. But i still had people who underestimated me.  Abandonment as usual. Nothing I did could help me prove what I was capable of.   I wanted out of that school and that life. That prempted idea that because i had a physical disability I was also intellectually challenged- my mom didn't have the money to get me into a private-school. 

Now I fear abandonment for my son. As he faces challenges with his physical disability.  Now I fear my children see that I abandoned them because I left the family unit.  And I see my daughter being shy and unsure of pursuing what lies in her heart- her love of singing- and she doesn't trust that she has a lovely voice. 

80's music

Today brought some laughter and smiles as we recalled all the 80's music that we loved - only because the radio was playing a handful of 80's hits - so if i am talking about getting excited over vinyls of cyndi lauper or michael jackson I know you must be going what- yes i am dating myself a bit but with everything going on to think the 80's music was legendary stuff- well yes- the thriller video was a mini movie and set standards for future music videos,  cyndi lauper, the Bangles, culture club promoted a rather colorful combination of clothing that I adored. But i have to say the beginning of the 80's Blondie was my number1 vinyl to listen too when i got the chance and i know my girlfriend and i danced around the house. Then i discovered david bowie and john travolta with olivia newton john, melissa manchester, bruce sprinsteen got a place on the cassettes for the car for that long three hour drive before we could stop to do a break.  Knowing we still had another 3 hours before we got to the ferry- yes i am used to these ridiculous routes having lived a few years in Port Hardy. ( but thats beside the point) 

The 80's for me depicted a lot of moving around and the ten years i was in primary school up to my mid teens.  So 80's music really affected me and defined how I coped but still today this music and listing this music really brightened my day. Such fond memories of Madonna pushing all the buttons for media and religion.  Not really caring that boy george was probably gay but darn you gotta love those braids.  Or a-has cool cartoon video Take me on( definitely art inspiration there!  

Did i tell you it was a hot summery day to sit outside and ponder these thoughts as a groups and bring more smiles as a group

Ah 80's music and the beginning of summer! And my kids will have no idea who most of my music was ha.

I seem to miss some clues somewhere along the way.

I was chatting with someone, but it felt like she pursued me,  that I was asking something of here when i was merely stating my experience.  And then she stated that i had crossed her boundary. What did I miss? I know i have been told that I miss social cues before.  So internet and chatting seems to make it harder as it is text and one misses the emotion behind it. The messages that people try to convey.  I also tried to convey that i am not personally asking anything of her. Rather was stating the emotional labour between people. Where did I miss when it was the other person persuing me in conversation? I know What I need to work on;To improve my emotional health, I am asking alot of the how Can I, things only I can answer.  The question of once I get healthier what can I do. Do I stay painting? Do i continue writing? These esoteric questions, because I need to figure how far are my boundaries even in the written form, and How do I seem to miss written clues from others. How long has this been a problem of mine. It is a respect thing I get it. I never understood boundaries as a child- how could I? Verbal boundaries, physical boundaries, emotional boundaries were gone before I knew the existed. Due to medical issues, i had tests, i was told one thing after another, tested with poking and prodding, and in the name of medicine you have to let these people do that to you.  Then there is there is the not being heard when i needed help. So where do I go from here?  I would hear one thing then experience physical abuse indicating a different message.  I am like the tide going in and out Sometimes the waves are stronger sometimes more gentle.  And still with battling a mental illness people step constantly over trying to minimalise my life experience, trying to hint that I shouldn't need medication, therapy, that I should be able to forgive someone who has hurt me and that I still need to come in contact with. That I am seeking therapy from them- I know where I am at. I know my symptoms,  i may simply be stating something and somehow it is assumed I am asking something of you. I have my team to help me. Who know where I come from, what challenges I have faced. And yes I am still learning boundaries.  And i am still trying to establish my own.  But I also know what I am dealing with. Trust me I do. 

Please don't tell me

That you could handle your traumas without medication and therapy, and that you are happily able to pay your bills and taxes when I am sitting across from you and I am on social assistance and disability, I need medication, and I need years of therapy.  Because you believe in jesus and he helps you to forgive. 

This spirals me into a self doubt of why couldn't I handle my traumas, do I not believe enough? But i also see that you are in a good marriage with a family that loves you. That doesn't blame you for their unhappiness, that doesn't hurt you! That doesn't blame you for your illness. 

Please that is not empathy telling me that yes you also went through trauma but your faith heals you. It makes me feel weakened and hurt,  It devalues the work that I have done and it shames me. 

You families act when you are being bullied- I got more abuse and blame for not standing up for myself. It didn't matter where i went to school or how many times i ask for help  the bullying continued and i got yelled at because I tried to take my life as a teenager.  I was really alone. Alot. I had sexual abuse, assault, physical and mental abuse, and medical misshandling, and i lived through my fathers suicide, and you are going to tell me i don't need medications so that i could somewhat function in a day. In addition to skills. 

To tell me people talk badly about me in the village-how in gods name is that supposed to help me? I know I have a huge stigma to fight.  I don't want to know that mountain just got higher. I need acknowledgement that I have made progress.I want to know how far up that mountain I got.