In the last 7 months I have been having a change of support staff. Not sure I was so happy about all these goodbyes- since beginning of december i had to say goodbye to the stable person I had hile everything else was chaotic. This support person was my calm in the storm. For pretty much two years. She came with me venturing on my own after the ten long months in the clinic. She was there when my son got his formal diagnosis. And she was there when my dissociations would get the better of me. And she was there to discuss my health with my team- when was it too much and how much could i handle on my own. She was there when I was barely making it to being strong enough to travel on the plane alone to the other side of the world. She reminded me how strong I really was. Then as I returned back I learned one of the support staff at the studio and someone i really got to trust was leaving to live a dream. While it was hard to let her go I understood the need to go live in a developing country- i lived it already. And I could offer her some advice of what was important to learn in learning a new language. But it still meant saying goodbye again. And shortly after i was closing a part of my life in that I no longer needed supervision when looking for my kids. Yet again another good bye. ( though the goodbye is not fully finished yet.- we need to do something for the kids to offer them some closure to- it was rather abrupt in that she was there when i returned from canada and then suddenly i was able to have my son weekday afternoons without supervision. A good thing but as I said it lacked closure.
But issues run further back and in my time that i was stationed in a clinic I bounced around alot( until the long clinic stay of nine months on one station) and any short stay I required I would be offered a bed where there was one. Not with people who really knew my symptoms or why or how I was in trouble and always in the beginning I was shy or just plain terrified of the staff. Though recently it didn't matter about the station staff anymore I know which therapy/therapists to ask for. Because i am comfortable enough with the clinic, rhtyhms, and the church that is connected. It is a home that i know is there if i should fall back down.
The last station I stayed the longest on I could learn to trust people would help me understand how my brain was working and that I was working towards a new space of personal progression, to understand that I was more ill than anyone truly credited. That my wings had been injured and need time to heal. But with this team I gained more strength and insight than i hadin my almost 40 years. And iI learned that i was not alone. I had to make a tough decision to leave an emotionally toxic marriage- emotionally abusive marriage, but I had a team to support me and catch me when I fell.
I met a friend again in this time that has become like a sister. Who is still here through it all.
So my fears of abandonement have been lessened due to this continuum. But they are still there. My fear of abandonment stems from my infantile months of being ill in a hospital because my mother couldn't be there, my infantile moths of my fathers death. The changeover in babysitters while my mom was trying to go to nursing school. I was not a difficult child but either their lives changed or the babysitter practically ignored me the whole day I was there.
My fear of abandonment stems from constantly being bullied in school- because i was new, physically challenged with a speech impairment and awaiting hearing aids. The kids bullying me and the teacher asking why i wasn't playing with the other kids- they don't want me to play or I was always the last one. Or teachers turning their back while a whole class sexually harassed me and then act dumbfounded when I leave the room. ( the next teacher knew what i was up against and called the students on their behaviour- i stayed in cooking for another two years because of her) but grade 8 I slipped badly. The bullying was affecting me and my homelife was affecting me, nightmares, and horrible rides to school- I went from aceing math to struggling, and a teacher who didn't get how the class treated me. I also felt ignored by most of the teacher staff that year. I felt abandoned by most of my classmates, so I had tried to take my life. - I wasn't exactly feeling worthy to anyone at that time and in my attempt i even lost my doctor. I was going to have to start new with everything. But i had to go back to my old school again and try to hold my head again, bring my grades up again. I did have some teachers who knew what I was capable of. And they gave me some moments to shine again. But i still had people who underestimated me. Abandonment as usual. Nothing I did could help me prove what I was capable of. I wanted out of that school and that life. That prempted idea that because i had a physical disability I was also intellectually challenged- my mom didn't have the money to get me into a private-school.
Now I fear abandonment for my son. As he faces challenges with his physical disability. Now I fear my children see that I abandoned them because I left the family unit. And I see my daughter being shy and unsure of pursuing what lies in her heart- her love of singing- and she doesn't trust that she has a lovely voice.
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