Actually I am the picture of resilience due to my illness. Because of my combination of diagnosis ( and the slow access to services) that i am a fighter. Due to my life circumstances I am a Fighter. But I wonder at times, what is the difference between me and others that also battle with mental illness. From where is that resilience? Is it learned or is it in my family genetic makeup? I might say that it is a combination of the two.
This is due to a mental health chat on wednesday may 13, that such a discussion arrised that I was still discussing at 11:30 at night instead of finishing at our normal 10:00pm swiss time. And it has been in my discussions with my support team.
It is the keep goingness in the darkest of situations and knowing there is hope, light and an increase of strength to cope with what may lay ahead. I may not be able to handle a 9-5 job ever- but does that make me a weaker person because I can't work? I am more vulnerable to side effects of stress that affect my body dearly. But know this - this amount of time i lived through lifes top stressors is more than most people can count on their two hands and two feet. My mother actually told me something this winter- don't be ashamed that I am on Disability benefits- I deserve them. This was after dinner with some friends we hadn't seen for a few years, we came to a point in conversation where I felt a bit lost in how to say I have been ill for a long time and it contributed to the dissipation of my marriage. I am actually relieved when people already know of my illness so I can get on with normal conversation.
I would like to say we are not weak but rather more vulnerable. ( is that weakness-not reallyas people can be more vulnerable to migraines, hayfever, osteoperosis, norovirus( that has knocked me down a couple times- but thats a different blog) cancer, heart problems, and or diabetes. ) these physical illnesses get less negative stigma comparative to mental illness. But anybody could develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder if they are exposed to a single major trauma or multiple traumas like myself. Any woman could develop perinatal and post natal depression, anybody could develop Burnout, but because of my genetic vulnerability to Bi-Polar disorder I developed Borderline Personality Disorder postnatal. Now if you combined all these disorders for one person and asked how they still stand and face the day - that my friend is resilience. But the resilience is more than just the getting up out of bed on hard days - it is the fight to get the services I needed, it was the fight for me to be understood in a language that was not my mother-tongue, it was the ability to ask for help on days my body or mind was challenging me. It was the ability to recognise that i could not look for my young children on my own- I needed someone there incase my mind checked out- so someone was there to help ensure calmness and safety. But resilience is being honest with yourself and your support team and allowing professionals to help you- and being able to hear the wisdoms they are sharing with you. After two years I no longer require the presence of a support person- I am able to visit my children on my terms! And I am strong enough to say no - I am not well or strong enough at a given time. But i am not weak!
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