Something isn't right

And i should have said something to my psychiatrist when i saw her today- i noticed the whole day i w very edgy and irritable before going to see her this morning  - i saw a series of expensive cars and i wanted to key them- this is so not typical of me- sort of had to tell my responsible self to behave.  I got up to the art-studio for a session of art cafe i was extremely critical of myself  though i did a good painting. And tried using coffee grounds for texture.for a porous rock. 

Then i had my appointment- having to rehash information about my family dynamics about my family tree. 

I want to drink something strong and i want to self injure. - but i had worked so hard to keep my arm so clean of wounds.  I really don't understand how i could wake up and feel such a rage or feel the need to cause damage to extremely expensive cars. I have never been one to cause damage.  i am the good responsible one to look out for others. Adapt to life.  I accept that i have dissociative states, i accept that i need some people to help me  so i can spend time with my children and to have people to keep an eye on me. Do they know something i don't

I know my mom warned me that my dad was aln alcoholic and drug addict( i am not my dad but i do show vulnerabilities -and since i am BPD  with certainmedications to help calm my dissociative states. It is not to say that suddenly my aggressive side won't pop up now and then.  But i can't seem to let it out and cry- i know i have the foam batons. But the bed looks like a better idea.  And so does popcorn with piri piri.   

Not sure about shooting practice

So far so good no shooting yet,

But was saying to my mom- i would love a drink to take the edge off so i could get to choir practice. I saw that i got through the fireworks because i had a champagne starter with supper.  It is so tempting. - then my mom reminded me that i have to be so careful with alcohol because my father was a drug addict as well as being an alcoholic. And combining alcohol with my meds is not a good idea.  Sense from my mother. Seeing as i am dissociative   And borderline dipping into alcohol is not a good idea. 

Oh if only. Am i really a prick for trying to stay so clean? 

Oh please it would be so good a bit of rum with coke.

I can't breathe an ounce with sophia

My ex is trying to control my efforts to make progress and have time with my daughter. And my daughter was standing right there while he is still trying to control me and here i feel like i am begging again to have time with my older child who requires less supervision when with me. Help this is exactly why i left him- he made me feel like less than human and consistently does it in front of the kids.   

I thought by saying no more marriage he has no more right to treat me so. But he still does it.

Damn

Book moving forward

Got the email that the reading department liked my story!  I had such a hard time getting to sleep last night.  I responded that once we get the letter to the parents/caregivers in there it should meet the 40 minimum.

In addition he asked for any of my adult manuscripts -like my poetry collection to bring that forward too!  I really can't believe my dream is coming true-i will be published by a credible publisher in two areas - a children's book and a collection of poetry-am almost sick from the excitement.  I have a new career!  But that they liked my writing to ask for any other manuscripts.

Heat wave and the change

Oh dear God we have temps of 34 celsius and i had started the change- so i can't  tell if i am feeling the hot flushes or just not coping with this heat. 

I don't seem to have strength to go across the road to get som fruit for tomorrow. So i can go for a picnic with the kids.  

Borderline but a quicker changeover than bipolar.

 Just saw a documentary from the perspective of the daughter of Frank Bruno.  Hew was diagnosed a few years ago with Bipolar disorder. I think how they described the people on a the high end of bi-polar i could understand what was going on with my dad, and also to a degree with me. It does make me fear for my children to a degree. They can't understand why i don't phone as often as i should but i am trying as hell to be civil with this man who was abusive to me infront of the children, and yet has the kids because my system couldn't take anymore. Although it is rather liberating  to have my things back with meit has been an emotional couple of weeks. And i will have another very emotional week if i don't find an exit out of switzerland next week.  I know that even taking my meds can keep me in better keel with most stresses, we are quite unsure how i will be able to handle the up and coming two nights of fieworks.  I could really end up ina bad space again though i am trying to keep a positive space of mind.  I mean i never know what will set me off and i haven't been in the best of moods the last few days so i am feeling rather vulnerable again. H has her family because she had thought i would be awayinparis ( that totally blew up in my face) 

My mother still can't quite figure out why I can't just stick my headphones on at max volume and put the covers over my head. Condition myself to them. My mom missed out when people slammed doors or a car alarm gets set off how i react, and how i still need so much help. How i totally get confused as to my time frame. Luckily today H was already right there with me when somebodies car alarm got set off. But even i fear my own reactions -i could be cowering or i could turn into a tornado emptyIng my closet, throwing things around, breaking drinking glasses to cut myself up.  This is my first year on my own for the fireworks and it terrifies me.

Back to the diary card

So i admitted to H today that i ran out of my diary cards and failed to copy new ones.  So today i spent about 5 franks at the copy machine at the grocery store  ( screwed up royally on 20 copies duh had the paper the wrong way and pressed for twenty instead of doing a test run and checking) this heat is really getting to my head (and feet)  

Then when i figured what was wrong i had to do another 2 franks to get about ten copies- i really need my own printer. But like i said dumb mistake on my park 

So now i customized them for me ( all ten copies ) and started again from yesterday.

What was my good thing yesterday?

Am involved in a messageboard for reducing the stigma attached to borderline personalitiy disorder-via twitter and facebook.

I may be moving my website later off facebook- not sure I like the layout on facebook for advertising my art and some people weren't sure about getting to see the art if they aren't a member of facebook.

Til nest round

The story has started to take form

Well i have actually came up with a cool title though not hundred percent sure it would stick.  None the less i have sent it off to a publishing company to be checked over. As the story developed itself so did the need to find the right publisher.  Writing a story that falls in the psychology area and not having a doctorate leaves you feeling inadequate though you know that having sat with your own psychiatrist you were truly on to something. And if a publisher was scouting you out via twitter you may seem skeptical, but you know it is a ticket.

Writing a book

Starting a book but my brain can't seem to handle the back and forth between the two languages. And i keep feeling like an important piece of my diagnostic puzzle is missing. Oh well i will do the tables for the time being.

 

Painting is a skill !!

UNot only may it give me a future but it does calm me down when i am facing my higher stress level. It helps distract me and direct me.  The difference between a professional artist and an amateur really is marketing- you don't market yourself you won't get very far.  But at the same time find  out what your competition is and figure out what really is your style.

I figure my style is motion  there is always a sense of motion in my work and if there isn't i get nervous.

Darn those balloons and thank goodness for quick thinking of others

What else could be more terrifying to me than a balloon bursting just behind me without warning. Everybody was shocked as no one was expecting it. But i nearly dove under my chair and i was so shocked i couldn't cry and basically started to fold together. My care nurse knew how to catch me from totally folding in together. By quickly shouting my name to get the eye contact. So we kept the eye contact but the rest of the round i was holding on to my chair for dear life. Holding my breath and holding back any tears. Not here not now- not everyone knows my vulnerability. i am the strong one- maybe i am strong because I show my vulnerability? If i talk about the shame about dissociating- if i talk about the shame of having borderline personality disorder,- if i talk about the shame of not being able to have my kids by me. Maybe the shame won't be so debilitating.

Art and the tornado ( borderline personality disorder)

Well here begins the halfway point of the journey that I am being warned will be a long one. It already has been a long one to get this far.  But yes this is about having a borderline personality disorder, and post traumatic stress disorder. 

I decided to combine it with my art website since art has helped me deal with the aspects of the disorder. I dissociate in varying forms with flashbacks

I am working on two books as well as all the painting. One on helping others deal with having the disorder ( maybe other personality disorders) and a compilation of poetry I have written over the years.

My diagnosis is fairly new though it is the best definition of the tornado I experience on a daily basis.
I like to tend my reaction like a natural disaster. Just like one tends to hope in nature it changes as rapidly as we do. It is unpredictable. And we need to appreciate nature for what it is. I am a tornado when i dissociate. Things get tossed around, and put into disorder and a couple of pieces of artwork have been torn as well as things get broken and self injury can happen. Often in the tornado state it loses strength then i am left to stare at this mess i created in stunned for a period of time then order does come back just like that of villages needing repair to build new homes. I do require help to come back- a voice other than mine to bring me back to reality. But the mess is mine to bring back to order.