Is it fear of abandonment or fear of someone new

I feel like I live in the fear of abandonment like i need to say goodbye first and the idea of getting to know new people that I will need to trust. 

In the last 7 months I have been having a change of support staff. Not sure I was so happy about all these goodbyes- since beginning of december i had to say goodbye to the stable person I had hile everything else was chaotic. This support person was my calm in the storm. For pretty much two years.  She came with me venturing on my own after the ten long months in the clinic. She was there when my son got his formal diagnosis. And she was there when my dissociations would get the better of me. And she was there to discuss my health with my team- when was it too much and how much could i handle on my own. She was there when I was barely making it to being strong enough to travel on the plane alone to the other side of the world. She reminded me how strong I really was. Then as I returned back I learned one of the support staff at the studio and someone i really got to trust was leaving to live a dream. While it was hard to let her go I understood the need to go live in a developing country- i lived it already. And I could offer her some advice of what was important to learn in learning a new language. But it still meant saying goodbye again.  And shortly after i was closing a part of my life in that I no longer needed supervision when looking for my kids. Yet again another good bye. ( though the goodbye is not fully finished yet.- we need to do something for the kids to offer them some closure to- it was rather abrupt  in that she was there when i returned from canada and then suddenly i was able to have my son weekday afternoons without supervision. A good thing but as I said it lacked closure. 

But issues run further back and in my time that i was stationed in a clinic I bounced around alot( until the long clinic stay of nine months on one station)  and any short stay I required I would be offered a bed where there was one.  Not with people who really knew my symptoms or why or how I was in trouble and always in the beginning I was shy or just plain terrified of the staff. Though recently it didn't matter about the station staff anymore I know which therapy/therapists to ask for. Because i am comfortable enough with the clinic, rhtyhms, and the church that is connected.  It is a home that i know is there if i should fall back down. 

The last station I stayed the longest on I could learn to trust people would help me understand how my brain was working and that I was working towards a new space of personal progression, to understand that I was more ill than anyone truly credited. That my wings had been injured and need time to heal. But with this team I gained more strength and insight than i hadin my almost 40 years.  And iI learned that i was not alone. I had to make a tough decision to leave an emotionally toxic marriage- emotionally abusive marriage, but I had a team to support me and catch me when I fell. 

I met a friend again in this time that has become like a sister.  Who is still here through it all. 

So my fears of abandonement have been lessened due to this continuum.  But they are still there. My fear of abandonment stems from my infantile months of being ill in a hospital because my mother couldn't be there, my infantile moths of my fathers death. The changeover in babysitters while my mom was trying to go to nursing school. I was not a difficult child but either their lives changed or the babysitter practically ignored me the whole day I was there. 

My fear of abandonment stems from constantly being bullied in school- because i was new, physically challenged with a speech impairment and awaiting hearing aids.  The kids bullying me and the teacher asking why i wasn't playing with the other kids- they don't want me to play  or I was always the last one.  Or teachers turning their back while a whole class sexually harassed me and then act dumbfounded when I leave the room. ( the next teacher knew what i was up against and called the students on their behaviour- i stayed in cooking for another two years because of her) but grade 8 I slipped badly. The bullying was affecting me and my homelife was affecting me, nightmares, and horrible rides to school- I went from aceing math to struggling, and a teacher who didn't get how the class treated me.  I also felt ignored by most of the teacher staff that year. I felt abandoned by most of my classmates,  so I had tried to take my life. - I wasn't exactly feeling worthy to anyone at that time and in my attempt i even lost my doctor. I was going to have to start new with everything. But i had to go back to my old school again and try to hold my head again, bring my grades up again. I did have some teachers who knew what I was capable of. And they gave me some moments to shine again. But i still had people who underestimated me.  Abandonment as usual. Nothing I did could help me prove what I was capable of.   I wanted out of that school and that life. That prempted idea that because i had a physical disability I was also intellectually challenged- my mom didn't have the money to get me into a private-school. 

Now I fear abandonment for my son. As he faces challenges with his physical disability.  Now I fear my children see that I abandoned them because I left the family unit.  And I see my daughter being shy and unsure of pursuing what lies in her heart- her love of singing- and she doesn't trust that she has a lovely voice. 

80's music

Today brought some laughter and smiles as we recalled all the 80's music that we loved - only because the radio was playing a handful of 80's hits - so if i am talking about getting excited over vinyls of cyndi lauper or michael jackson I know you must be going what- yes i am dating myself a bit but with everything going on to think the 80's music was legendary stuff- well yes- the thriller video was a mini movie and set standards for future music videos,  cyndi lauper, the Bangles, culture club promoted a rather colorful combination of clothing that I adored. But i have to say the beginning of the 80's Blondie was my number1 vinyl to listen too when i got the chance and i know my girlfriend and i danced around the house. Then i discovered david bowie and john travolta with olivia newton john, melissa manchester, bruce sprinsteen got a place on the cassettes for the car for that long three hour drive before we could stop to do a break.  Knowing we still had another 3 hours before we got to the ferry- yes i am used to these ridiculous routes having lived a few years in Port Hardy. ( but thats beside the point) 

The 80's for me depicted a lot of moving around and the ten years i was in primary school up to my mid teens.  So 80's music really affected me and defined how I coped but still today this music and listing this music really brightened my day. Such fond memories of Madonna pushing all the buttons for media and religion.  Not really caring that boy george was probably gay but darn you gotta love those braids.  Or a-has cool cartoon video Take me on( definitely art inspiration there!  

Did i tell you it was a hot summery day to sit outside and ponder these thoughts as a groups and bring more smiles as a group

Ah 80's music and the beginning of summer! And my kids will have no idea who most of my music was ha.

I seem to miss some clues somewhere along the way.

I was chatting with someone, but it felt like she pursued me,  that I was asking something of here when i was merely stating my experience.  And then she stated that i had crossed her boundary. What did I miss? I know i have been told that I miss social cues before.  So internet and chatting seems to make it harder as it is text and one misses the emotion behind it. The messages that people try to convey.  I also tried to convey that i am not personally asking anything of her. Rather was stating the emotional labour between people. Where did I miss when it was the other person persuing me in conversation? I know What I need to work on;To improve my emotional health, I am asking alot of the how Can I, things only I can answer.  The question of once I get healthier what can I do. Do I stay painting? Do i continue writing? These esoteric questions, because I need to figure how far are my boundaries even in the written form, and How do I seem to miss written clues from others. How long has this been a problem of mine. It is a respect thing I get it. I never understood boundaries as a child- how could I? Verbal boundaries, physical boundaries, emotional boundaries were gone before I knew the existed. Due to medical issues, i had tests, i was told one thing after another, tested with poking and prodding, and in the name of medicine you have to let these people do that to you.  Then there is there is the not being heard when i needed help. So where do I go from here?  I would hear one thing then experience physical abuse indicating a different message.  I am like the tide going in and out Sometimes the waves are stronger sometimes more gentle.  And still with battling a mental illness people step constantly over trying to minimalise my life experience, trying to hint that I shouldn't need medication, therapy, that I should be able to forgive someone who has hurt me and that I still need to come in contact with. That I am seeking therapy from them- I know where I am at. I know my symptoms,  i may simply be stating something and somehow it is assumed I am asking something of you. I have my team to help me. Who know where I come from, what challenges I have faced. And yes I am still learning boundaries.  And i am still trying to establish my own.  But I also know what I am dealing with. Trust me I do. 

Please don't tell me

That you could handle your traumas without medication and therapy, and that you are happily able to pay your bills and taxes when I am sitting across from you and I am on social assistance and disability, I need medication, and I need years of therapy.  Because you believe in jesus and he helps you to forgive. 

This spirals me into a self doubt of why couldn't I handle my traumas, do I not believe enough? But i also see that you are in a good marriage with a family that loves you. That doesn't blame you for their unhappiness, that doesn't hurt you! That doesn't blame you for your illness. 

Please that is not empathy telling me that yes you also went through trauma but your faith heals you. It makes me feel weakened and hurt,  It devalues the work that I have done and it shames me. 

You families act when you are being bullied- I got more abuse and blame for not standing up for myself. It didn't matter where i went to school or how many times i ask for help  the bullying continued and i got yelled at because I tried to take my life as a teenager.  I was really alone. Alot. I had sexual abuse, assault, physical and mental abuse, and medical misshandling, and i lived through my fathers suicide, and you are going to tell me i don't need medications so that i could somewhat function in a day. In addition to skills. 

To tell me people talk badly about me in the village-how in gods name is that supposed to help me? I know I have a huge stigma to fight.  I don't want to know that mountain just got higher. I need acknowledgement that I have made progress.I want to know how far up that mountain I got. 

Why is the door Blue?

Well the door is mine and the red circle is the danger zone- if you are not invited into my space then there will be consequences- but ofter the consequence is not one you will face but rather where i will beat myself up and possibly hurt myself for allowing you to trample over my boundaries and get too close to my safe space. Yes my imaginary safe space has a blue door for the inner peace it offers  me. And as I get stronger the damage will be less on me and i will be able to voice my boundary. 

Like everybody we have different rules for different people as to how close they can come.  Some you need to keep at poles length and you know they'll ignore your boundaries anyways and others whom you allow closest to you. 

But i learned about boundaries rather late in life- my boundaries had pretty much been trampled upon before I could walk or talk because i was born with a rare medical condition. The mishandling of me continued in other areas of life. And finally by my getting so ill my boundaries needed to be addressed!  And as i was getting more confident in my art I was also becoming more able to address my issues through a paintbrush. This piece was painted near the end of my long stay in St. Urban  where thanks to a handful of nurses,and  therapists I could establish boundaries so when i went out in the world I would feel like i had that safe place behind my blue door.  Do you have a blue door? 

Resilience and a mental illness

Is it thought that because I have a mental illness I'm not resilient? 

Actually I am the picture of resilience due to my illness. Because of my combination of diagnosis ( and the slow access to services) that i am a fighter. Due to my life circumstances I am a Fighter.  But I wonder at times, what is the difference between me and others that also battle with mental illness. From where is that resilience? Is it learned or is it in my family genetic makeup? I might say that it is a combination of the two.  

This is due to a mental health chat on wednesday may 13, that such a discussion arrised that I was still discussing at 11:30 at night instead of finishing at our normal 10:00pm swiss time.  And it has been in my discussions with my support team. 

It is the keep goingness in the darkest of situations and knowing there is hope, light and an increase of strength to cope with what may lay ahead.  I may not be able to handle a 9-5 job ever- but does that make me a weaker person because I can't work?  I am more vulnerable to side effects of stress that affect my body dearly. But know this - this amount of time i lived through lifes top stressors is more than most people can count on their two hands and two feet. My mother actually told me something this winter- don't be ashamed that I am on Disability benefits- I deserve them. This was after dinner with some friends we hadn't seen for a few years, we came to a point in conversation where I felt a bit lost in how to say I have been ill for a long time and it contributed to the dissipation of my marriage.  I am actually relieved when people already know of my illness so I can get on with normal conversation. 

I would like to say we are not weak but rather more vulnerable. ( is that weakness-not reallyas people can be more vulnerable to migraines, hayfever, osteoperosis, norovirus( that has knocked me down a couple times- but thats a different blog) cancer, heart problems, and or diabetes. )  these physical illnesses get less negative stigma comparative to mental illness.  But anybody could develop Post Traumatic Stress Disorder if they are exposed to a single major trauma or multiple traumas like myself. Any woman could develop perinatal and post natal depression, anybody could develop Burnout, but because of my genetic vulnerability to Bi-Polar disorder I developed Borderline Personality Disorder postnatal.  Now if you combined all these disorders for one person and asked how they still stand and face the day - that my friend is resilience. But the resilience is more than just the getting up out of bed on hard days - it is the fight to get the services I needed,  it was the fight for me to be understood in a language that was not my mother-tongue, it was the ability to ask for help on days my body or mind was challenging me. It was the ability to recognise that i could not look for my young children on my own- I needed someone there incase my mind checked out- so someone was there to help ensure calmness and safety. But resilience is being honest with yourself and your support team and allowing professionals to help you- and being able to hear the wisdoms they are sharing with you. After two years I no longer require the presence of a support person- I am able to visit my children on my terms! And I am strong enough to say no - I am not well or strong enough at a given time.  But i am not weak!

We mothers need to be our own advocates

"We may be ill, our bodies showing bizarre symptoms, robbing us of sleep, making us fearful of the world, hurting ourselves, and facing a stigma that is bigger than the matterhorn,  and we have children who we need to think of too.

Our illness may take us away from our families for a while, and we may also be accused of being selfish. But we are so courageous the people insulting us have never fought a battle as big as ours. 

And we need to work hard. We need to learn the lingo, so we can speak for ourselves to get the support we need and the support our children need. And some of us need to learn a language so we can speak for ourselves in therapy! 

As mothers and fathers,  we know we have a reason to fight that battle. And maybe when we are weaker we need to be brave enough to ask for help, and accept that help. And sometimes that help takes us back to a clinic again, it changes our medication, makes us meet and have to trust new support workers. But if you fight that support you make recovery that much harder for yourself.

You need to accept your diagnosis, speak up when medication isn't working- and keep trying.  If you hear a doctor offering a diagnosisthat you feel is wrong let them know. If your home situation is not supportive of you let them know. The doctors and nurses can only work with what they have! They can't help you if you don't help yourself..

And in the process you will have to prove your illness- with a mental illness it is the hardest illness to prove but the trained eye will see your symptoms, the trained ear will hear your influctions,  and they will help you manage your illness the best way possible if you have the right team - but you are your own advocate, you are your own voice, and you are a parent who love to your children will float to themlike songs on butterfly wings.  

Visiting days are hard- because you know they are so short and your children can't stay with you in your healing process. And you don't want your children to see you struggle. You also don't want to much time to pass between the visits. Especially with toddlers and infants- what little bonding time they have with you is precious and important in their development.  Be aware that when you leave your  family dynamic may change alot. ( especially women leaving marriages)  if you have been hospitalised for a longer time chances are you will not have custody of your children. But you will be prepared for that, you need to show that you want a relationship with your children in whatever form is offered!  Churches and women organisations can help find a neutral person to attend that you may be able to have time with your children.  It is hard to accept that you need supervision but you know that symptoms can occur without warning and you or the children need that support in the case of an emergency. Remember you are the boss of the situation! You are the one determining the team that is helping you become that parent and person that you can be. And you need to own up to it.