New promo film for book enjoy!

http://youtu.be/F8rgYgLhKtg

Interview for Book with Fiona McVie

Hi thats our interview live and here is the link to share and thanks

http://wp.me/p3uv2y-1Qa

Success and the worldwide web.

I was asked once what was my definition of success- ok here i am - i haven't actually sold a book yet on these platforms that i know of but to wake up one morning and discover that my book is on amazon.com and Barnes and noble sites i am am on the springboard of success! 

 It still feels quite dreamlike though but i have found what i consider success.  And you?

http://www.amazon.com/See-Through-Stained-Glass-Night/dp/8494299662/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1414529676&sr=8-1&keywords=Gemma+Luescher-Verseckas

Back in clinic so no trip to france

So after all that research and finding a sofa and a friend to accompany me life threw me some upheavals again!  

My son had been showing a problem with his motor skills and speech and since i had muscular dystrophy in my family there was a fear he had that in addition to his existing NF1- blood test and neurovist concluded no muscular dystrophy- i can breathe a sigh of relief but at the end of the visit the dr said if tobias shows signs of continuous headaches with nausea an vomiting or siezures then to bring him in. My ex's dad had a strange brain tumor and NF1 is known for brain tumours as well.  It is an unsettling way to leave an appointment knowing that ex has no idea what a siezure can look like. It isn't always the jolting body.

As I earlier stated I am back in clinic as I am not coping welling with the fireworks leading up to 1st of august.  And this week was especially difficult even under the watchful eyes of professionals.  The room next to me had an acute autistic young man( requiring extra caregivers and being locked in his room like a prisoner)  i feel for the boy but in my fragile state i can't handle his loud sudden outbursts banging the wall- so i asked if i could change rooms knowing the one i am in now was empty as of this morning!  So early this morning was a hustle to pack up and move rooms!  ;-) already much better! And this weekend i am on my own in the room!

I am still in danger of self harm if triggered the wrong way- but this time i brought my baton to smash against a wall instead of breaking glass.  But stupid me I pulled my shoulder with hauling my suitcase here and pulling the wagon on saturday.

Some ignorant comment about dealing with triggers

Some people think that i am acting spoiled because i want to leave switzerland over the week of the 1st of august. People think i should just stick a pillow over my head and blare music in my ears to drown out the constant bangs of fireworks. 

These ignorant comments are from people who have no idea how fireworks trigger dissociation, nor do they realise the extent that affects my body- so i could try to drown out hearing them but- my body learned years ago how to feel noise and music( something people with hearing loss often discover as children as a coping mechanism. Ignorant people also don't realise that with such triggers i can become a danger to myself and most of my resource people are also away!  Here in switzerland many people with pets also go across the border- fireworks cause undue stress toanimals that also can affect behaviours from normally calm to very nervous to very aggressive- so goes the same for many with PTSD. Fireworks are loud, sudden and unpredictable- like gunshots.  So i am not whining i am taking the advice of health professionals to get out of switzerland during this week so i would not need to endure unduly stress upon my nervous system.

I have a span of seven forms of dissociation- flight to extreme form is like paralysis- i look like i have had a stroke, my speech becomes non xistant, and my left side is so tight and cramped. And i hate being touched- i am in sensory overload at this point. Oh and my blood pressure drops to a low, and my body temperature drops that i would need 2 duvets.

On the flipside if i get to the fight then beware things fly, glass would be broken and i would injure my arm and possibly my face. Things get broken the kinetic energy is almost unpalpable.

Otherwise most days i just deal with anxiety levels and never go anywhere withoit my main skills. 

So for those people who think PTSD is all in the head think again. 

He still tries to control me- now through the kids

I have the letter saying i have say in how i take my children and he still is trying to control the situation- absolutely fuming- but i am better at setting my boundaries and limitations of what i will tolerate from him.  I can't believe that even with not being with him anymore he is still trying to control the situation. And i need to behave and not self mutilate so that he doesn't have reason- maybe its time to bake bread again so i could get the anger out somehow- i am so listless.. But if he doesn't comply we could get a representative involved.  But first step bring him to my psychiatrist. So she can speak to him about the interests of the kids. M has stayed on my case throughout my time in clinic, my time in day clinic, as well as my time with her directly.  Just as he threatened that the time i leave the clinic they will drop me. The reason i left him was the verbal abuse, and the emotional abuse that developed to physical abuse. The courts ignored this detail in our separation hearing. They just saw that i came out of the clinic and needed time to adjust to normal life- normal life has gotten quite different than before. Without my children there i needed to fill that void as well as cope with some aspects of my aggrevated Post traumatic Stress disorder. In around april of last year my acting psychiatrist finally found the best recipe to allow me to live life to its max, weaken the dissociative states, and allow me to sleep again!  With this combination I truly could set my boundaries and tolerate triggers better.  I still dissociate off and on but i usually have warning- i know my signals. I know what is a weak round that i can bounce back from and when to call for help. My daughter gives me reason to fight and stand my boundaries, my son is still young, but my children are experts without me having to tell them.  They just get quiet til i come back. They stay near me til the wave is over.

None the less trying to reason with him over texting just proved it would be hard to sit with him without a mediator. My children deserve more time with me. I am capable of cooking, and helping with homework. My daughter looks forward to sitting with me and reading, colouring, playing boardgames, i did these things when i was much more ill and he didn't bat an eye, but now that i have a diagnosis it is a challenge to prove anything. - why should i expect any, different  his mother doesn't speak with me directly when i am standing there. She spoke with my assistant. Yes the lady that i have is my assistant- ( and friend) she has stated to me as the year progressed and i gained confidence in my time with my kids that i am boss and state where i need the help.  She gave me the space to be with my kids.  She watched as i was confident in setting rules and being fair with the kids.  My dr also saw my strength over the last year, and everyone who worked with me knows how important my kids are to me.  How hard I worked to find some emotional stability.     How much my time with the kids is important- i save all the best energy for them and when they go i can break a bit. 

It is so hard to say good bye to my son some days he just breaks apart when i go. We have worked so hard to find one another emotionally. We went from a point of me being his defender, to him not knowing who i was anymore( i tell you that would crush a mothers soul) , to me coming back to his life and daily routine again, only to need to leave again because i was way more ill than anyone truly imagined. His second birthday i celebrated as a picnic at the clinic while i was in acute. My mom came to help for a couple weeks.  Then he was more regularly with a day mother  then settled into a daycare.  With the day mother once a week that i could see both of the kids.  Now that i have been out of clinic for a year( visitation to my station to say hello to the family i had after i said no more to the marriage. )   I have taken all these steps and put my children first and foremost, and it is not enough because i have a complex diagnosis of borderline personality and complex post traumatic stress disorder. 

There are days i want to write a letter to an aunt that hurt my feelings so much as i started my new life without children. I had to deal with traumas being brought to life again facing a court that would make a decision. That would hurt me in many ways. 

In reality i did need the time that i will accept but i had to prove so much and i think i always will. But you know what, i am strong i am a survivor, i am a mother.   I am a phoenix rising from the ashes. 

I am grateful for my church, i am grateful for my doctors and my support team as well as the art studio who knew from the beginning how important my kids are to me.

Visitation without supervision

The letter came!!!!!! I can now start having the kids for visits without having someone there. And if I need the help I can ask for it!!!!! Just means I don't always have to organize somebody to be there and he doesn't have to hang at my door til colleagues come and I can arrange play dates with friends again - that my kids haven't seen in ages  or go with the kids to their godparents!  Oh my god it feels so good to be back a bit on my own feet with the kids.  

My daughter has been asking for afternoons with me.  To do her homework together, play board games together  just time with me without her brother and not be limited to two hours or something.   I have wanted this for so long now! 

Given that I am still on visitation - I may always be on visitation due to my dissociative states. Even though my meds are wonderful  I still dissociate.  I just handle them better.  

Fuming

I put a request to my lawyer that i want to be addressed if he plans to take the kids out of the country.  It is an international law- i have not given up my right to the children. He may have custody of the kids but i still have rights to my children.   So my ex phones me to say it was a missunderstanding that i please retract my statement- i refuse to. I will not be made out to be a liar.  He has degraded me in so many ways but he forgets how strong i am and i know some of my rights, yes children talk and they give you signals- he tries to make me out like a crazy liar but he refuses to show his finances. I know he has this girlfriend in Brasil whats to say he loses his house due to the divorce he'll want to take the kids to brasil with him.  

My gut is screaming at me not to reclaim my statement. Maybe i am wrong at this point but whats to say later - its called kidnapping.   Grrrr

Chicken scratch and the cats meow

Yes that is how i sounded by the break. My voice was going scratchy trying to get the higher notes. I think part of me really would have rather stayed home. I am still recovering from the dissociation yesterday- i pushed too hard yesterday - i feel the effects still today - so i didn't do so much today. No knitting, but H came by today that was a highlight. To tell her the good news.about being able to have one of the kids in the market and the joy my kids experience just being with me.   I finished a long poem ( video taping it as well)- 4 minutes. And it is the last thing that fits my journal. But it felt so liberating.

Triggered yesterday

And today I am really paying for it- am so cold then so hot then dizzy as anything  

Yesterday on the way to the studio I felt like I was being followed by a creep. So I was constantly looking over my shoulder and holding my breath. Just like when I was ten.  I was listening to music to try and stay present. Even took the sequase I have in reserve- I was suddenly staring through people again.  I tried the strong menthol oil on the temples - I was going through all my skills I had on me- wasabi , strong gum.  I knew I had physio to help loosen up the tightness in my neck.  But today - my body temps are bouncing all over the place- cold by the extremities and sweating then shivering though I am under a warm quilt..  Grr - debating on if I should call the stand in for my care nurse. - it is Good Friday today and I am home in the safety of my oasis.  I hate all these forms of dissociation- trying not to self harm.  But the tension is building in the body again.  I just had a massage yesterday afternoon stretching out the tightness in my neck only to have it spazz up again. 

May the morning sun guide me home

May the clouds carry my heavy heart

May the rain expel my tears

May the morning sun guide me home

No prayer 

or preceding knowledge 

Could prepare my heart

For the pain

Of the betrayal

Of the denial

Or the humiliation

That would surpass

The slices

The scratches 

The nails driven deep

May the clouds carry my heavy heart

May the rain expel my tears 

May the morning sun guide me home

And yet un awaited

A hand is offered 

To help carry the weight

To clean my face

So I can see my fate

To remind me you are there with me along the way

So I can console

So I can reassure

And fulfill my prophecy

May the clouds carry my heavy heart

My the rain expel my tears

May the morning sun guide me home.

 

How to explain to a 4 year old why you can't visit him at his home.?

Yes my 4 year old asked me this today. I think hinting why I couldn't come to his family birthday birthday party.  How do you explain to him that if you go to his family birthday other people important to him would leave - and that is also not fair to a little boy. 

I am in the situation of a little boy who can't understand why I am not wanted there plus why would I want to spend anytime in a house full of abuse. My mother I law still claims she has no guilt to the way she treats me and operatively in front of the kids I hate it. I can't stand that abusive disrespectful atmosphere.  But I can't say that to my son. Because those guys are looking after my kids because I can't. - legally not and medically I am just barely keeping my head above water.  

I guess since I am religious I'll ask for a little assistance from up above on this one. 

Triggered and completely unraveled

Yep I had already been feeling vulnerable about my own little son as his birthday is coming up (he'll be turning four - my friends little boy will be turning 3 and I was watching him dance in circles. I needed to leave the room but couldn't leave the party - it was my friends birthday.

But this morning I am completely unraveled and feeling incredibly alone and scared of my emotions or the damage I am capable of doing which would set me back in so many ways- I need to sculpt- I need to push my energies to come forward- but all I can do is sit on my bed and rock back and forth while my temperatures rage all over after I had slammed my batons angrily at my wood-stove and other details in my all apartment sending leaves from a plant all over the place and seriously considering slamming a glass against a wall to smash it to smithereens and slice my arm up again.  I know I'll feel ashamed of doing it- I had done so well for seven months. - I really fight this time of year.  And this year seems no exception- to add to it I am terrified about a health situation that is creeping up on me.

I just punish myself like he'll about my bizarre relationship to my son. I don't know if he knows if anyone truly loves him.  His day mother is his safe harbour- I float in and out with unpredictability. Any attempts to create a physical symbol for him to grasp seems thrown back In my face- his quilt that I made for him to have on his bed is given to me and lays on my bed because my ex can't handle a reminder in the apartment. I can't fight with him in front of the kids and I can't even fight with him in the courts - I am constantly feeling silenced by him where ever I turn- my sons guitar is downstairs by his mom instead of being in his room. Does my son not be allowed his identity to assuage his guilt for this marriage not working- for his need to control people as long he looks good in the end.  End of soap box for today.

Well I finally finished the poem

Yes I finally finished the poem- only need to translate it to German- short simple and to the point.! 

 This poem has been bugging me for weeks to write and I finally got it yesterday!  I posted on allpoetry ! So far just one comment. 

If only it were so simple

I saw a couple quotes about teaching your kids to stand up for themselves. If only it were so simple- i try when i have them- but i am still trying to figure how to stand up for myself. And i hope that when my kids see that i am trying so hard they will understand that i am trying for them. 

My children are young, my children are in the hands of a person who is very conservative and may hold limitations on them that are unacceptable, ( my son has a rare condition called NF1 and now he may be clouded to think he is disabled- my son is most likely to excel in the arts not in sports like he did and most likely won't be doing military duty(thank goodness- i can't imagine this little soul having to carry a gun)   My daughter is so smart but she doesn't want to be different than her classmates.   She gets her weekly work done by wednesday.  But doesn't want to move to her level- guess its enough that her mom doesn't live with her. 

I left an emotional wreckage but i couldn't take my kids with me.  Even if i tried.  I wish to be able to show my kids that i love them - but when they have their own kids they will have difficulty understanding why i couldn't take them with me. - even if i wanted to.

I don't want to have a substitute- I would rather wait 3 weeks

I just want my own care nurse and no substitute.  I know this sounds ridiculous but I hate having to adapt to new people- this coming from one of the most open people- I knew I would need to work on my rage issues so I am knitting and listening to music to keep me calm and really I want to scream- need my batons and I need sleep. I hardly slept a wink last night. Which is clouding my judgement for sure.   

At a park waiting for my kids to arrive

Well - I probably look like a predator while I am sitting at a park waiting for my kids to arrive.  That's right I am a mom and I don't have custody of my own children.  I am not a danger to my children just myself.  I have a severe case of post trauma which entails that I dissociate in 7 forms, ( self harm inclusive)   So now it is just a matter of waiting for the courts to change their des vision - they have gotten the letter from my psychiatrist saying I am in better in handling situations  etc and therefore can judge when I am capable of having the children in my care. So in the meantime with the lovely weather I am meeting my children at a park for an hour with the lady that looks after them on Thursdays.  

Yes a lovely day full of hugs. And a moment where my son panicked because his babysitter left the park- loves me is sad when we have to part but is still not ready to be left alone with me. What a confusing relationship to have between a mother and child.  

End of a good chaos

Well my poor apartment is still showing signs of distress from my last creative endeavour - the purse. And my back has been in horrible shape so I have not been up for tidying up - ugh. I really need to get some things in order so I can start my new painting for my girlfriend. This year I will be able to visit her on her birthday.  Last year I was on crisis intervention the year I was in the beginning of my long term care.  It is as though I keep finding excuses not to do it- but the clock is ticking faster than I thought- it is already middle march- too many projects going on- and I have been stuck on afternoons icing the back of my neck so my back doesn't flare up. Cold on my neck - hot on the lower part of my back.  Some mornings struggling to get up - some evenings wanting to slice up to relieve the tension- but I remind myself- not a good idea- I'll end up with shame and pain.  And not only the back but also where I chose to cut.  So why would I want triple the pain I already  am dealing with? Just for the temporary relief.  The temptation is so high. Just like any other addiction that short term relief only worsens the problem- but that moment at that given time seems so worth it. That razor is not that far away. I would be so relieved of pain and able to do some housework.  But maybe I should be listening to the pain and slowing down and accept the underlying frustration of having someone in my care team being away and the paralyzing fear of being pawned off on someone new.

I don't want to have a substitute- I would rather wait 3 weeks

I just want my own care nurse and no substitute.  I know this sounds ridiculous but I hate having to adapt to new people- this coming from one of the most open people- I knew I would need to work on my rage issues so I am knitting and listening to music to keep me calm and really I want to scream- need my batons and I need sleep. I hardly slept a wink last night. Which is clouding my judgement for sure.   

Karfreitag

So I was asked to write a poem about the 15 stations of the cross and I got overwhelmed half way because it mirrored my own life the last few years the betrayals the judgement with the courts the incredulous low points and emotional batterment  but also the people that came to make the weight a bit lighter  to help wipe away the tears and clear away the blood. The need to help my mother understand. And then to translate it all to German 

The plaster relief seems so much easier to muster- finished the first one today-  only have the photo of pre painted  still proud of relief number one- gives me confidence for rest of set. Still need to draw number 11- 14 - need to figure out where i put my noutes(think i left all my notes at studio- darn.  Will post photos next week when i have a few more reliefs done.

If you know you're weak, thats makes you strong

Yesterday was self-harm awareness day,  and it made me consider what it was that I felt when I made my first cuts.  

I am not new to have bloodwork done, but i will remember as a child the fight of fear when the blood would be taken. Being labeled a difficult patient(my veins were small and out of fear i would kick and scream)  and when the blood was taken there was the release, that ability to breathe, the release of nurses.  And i would see the blood in the syringe and the expression of relief in the nursen the lab. 

And as I discovered i wouldn't feel it as i would start to run the piece of glass across the back of my wrist i felt that surge of releif.  I had seen others with scars up their arms and legs. I couldn't understand how all said that my cuts were superficial because they healed so quickly. I just have a thicker skin. I guess i have a thicker skin because I needed it through my life with constant pokes and prods. I was born with a rare genetic disorder and was regularly subjected to tests. I grew up comforable with changes in doctors. So changes in clinics for my care was nothing new. But this last clinic was going to be diffierent. This group of doctors and therapists would know this time I needed someone  to stay with me through a huge rollercoaster. . I needed somebody to help me because I knew i was so weak, and in that weakness i learned how strong I was going to be.

Schoolgirls crush

He is an enigma that entered my realm in January as he would walk by and suddenly my heart would spring like a schoolgirl.  The last time I truly felt that spring I was a schoolgirl- but I am terrified of even developing a new relationship considering my background of allowing myself to be stepped all over and degraded- I just don't need that again - really I don't -but something in me remains intrigued by this rather "tall" man with a red tone to his hair a small well kept beard and moustache . But as my heart jumps leaps and bounds I want to hide- make myself as small as possible - I don't want him to know- besides I am still trying to recover from that marriage. 

 How do I let myself go so long with being treated like crap because I feared being alone or just trying to give the benefit of the doubt- in the end when I realize it is my health at stake is it time to go.  When I finally realize I am not alone when I speak up and it is ok to say no more - by then I had been trampled beyond repair- and I question my worth still. I need to know my own boundaries before I can let someone in again.  It doesn't Sound so good not having custody of your own children - sounds even worse that you can't be left alone with your own children because you dissociate.  Yes some people would get that I was so ill and just need time. But some people don't. Though I was strong enough to say no more  what is to stop me from repeating a bad pattern - who knows - he may be really good but I'm not ready yet for more- though dumm me I am acting like a scool

Girl again.

The cats are gone

The girls are gone as was my energy- and my self belief as my boundaries overstepped way too many times- i felt guilty having to give both up but it was like a sophies choice- i just couldn't pick one over the other. So they both had to go. But everyone knows the shelter they are going to is a good one.   Just as people are abusive to animals it felt like these two were abusing my kindness.  That i neverxould do any right by them- i was getting mixed messages from them- they would lay on the floor tummy full exposed - but next morning i get my bed peed on with me in it- how did i tolerate this for so long. 

 I reall need the break from any animal for a given length of time.

That being said it completely broke me to tears that night having given them over at the vet. And i had pushed myself too hard by going to the studio the next day when i should have stayed home and slept - well i did sleep most of the afternoon on thursday, awake for a couple hours in the evening  then back to bed- dissociating is rather painful at times- headaches and spasm of the whole left side. Unable to look people in the eye- sensory overwhelming. Needed to call H on her day off to come and get me again. (Yet another level of shame there-she came anyways)  i appreciate the day off today- had to clean out the litter box for the last time and pack it away for a while.

I do hope the cats get good homes ( they really need seperate homes) and if moebi still doesn't have a home after a number of months i may consider taking only her back. But for my sanity- i need a break from looking after animals too- just not ready for the responsibility yet. :-(

Happy valentines day

Well this year i am on my own again- but this year i bought myself a bouquet of apricot roses. Because so far this year i have been really good. I have accepted that i will dissociate on occasion. I have come close to self injury pondered a few seconds but moved on got distracted and the need lost momentum somehow. In addition i knew it was time to use my kinectic energy and carve a soap stone. 

I realize in some level i need to work on my issues of my time with/without my son.  Me and my little boy had a tumultuous first year and i didn't. Get to enjoy him like i did my daughter in his first six months. 

Tomorrow i will get to enjoy him all by himself to pick out his first guitar.  I noticed in the last couple years that we had market days - he would always pick out guitars, when i was finally well enough to start returning to my favourite event in the month singing with the kids- i noticed he would study so intently on the guitarist we have for our group. He is lucky that he will have an in house tutor by his grandmothers friend. So by the time he gets to the age where they normally start choosing instruments- he'll have about 4 years under his belt. 

So since my little man needs to learn an instrument so bad- and he keeps turning to guitars turning 4 in the end of march - but this is the best opportunity to have my assistant available  happy valentines my little man I offer you a start with the guitar!  :-)

Darn cats

Well I am at the end of my tether with the cats marking on my bed- 2 times a week I have to monopolize laundry room to wash these pieces and at one point had to sleep on the sofa while I had to even clean the mattress.  

I took these 2 from an assisted living quarters where the cats weren't wanted anymore- they wanted to keep them together- my Place is too small for the both of them. I don't have a separate bedroom.  To shut them off. I am in an attic loft.   I just don't have the patience anymore!  I hate this territorial warfare- it stinks  and I am exhausted.  Am in tears  and near ready to hurt them. 

Kids visit - yes i still need help

The weather was so unpredictable and tobias was complaining of an ear ache again(i am guessing it is from the altitiude change in coming home from the mountains yesterday)  so for six hours in a tiny apartment and my little guy was a bit agressives with the ball- just had lots of energyto burn and i am still not back on 100 % yet so by the end of the six hours i was ready to give the kids back to their dad. 

Yes that is right dad has custody of the kids- i am not a bad mom - but it sure sounds strange that in order for me to see my kids i need someone there- and there are days i am so thankful that i do have that extra support.  But yes in a divorce you coming out of a clinic - an abusive spouse still looks like a better choice because his family network is there- and you coming out of a clinic need time to adjust.- but they are right i need time to get back my strength- my diagnosis is rather complex. And i do have a lower tolerance on life- it doesn't take much to feel overwhelmed and the needs of a three year old and a 7 year old are rather high. One needs an audience for reading the other wants to play ball in a tiny apartment or wants to paint and you want to encourage creativity

It sounds strange to people when they hear i don't have custody of my children. I am in the process of getting visitation wkithout supervision. I try not to see it as that, nor does the lady who helps me. She reminds me i am the boss and determine where i need the help- i try to consisder it like a partnership- married people with kids are a team. ( when things work right)  so how is this help any less different? )  not that i have been any less than honest about my situation- but i just say i had been really sick for a long time( which is true)   And need help as my energy is not like the average person. 

So why do i still feel bad about not having the children when i am the mother- it hurts when i remind myself that the people who were rather abusive to me have custody of my children and there are days that leave me in fear of what they say to the kids about me as they are still very rude to me in front of the kids.  It is not only percieved by me. My assistant has complained to the church how in how i was treated by my ex mother in law.  And there are days it floors me that with everything done to me  i still get up an fight.  Because two little parts of my heart need me.  

First conversation

Worked on my stone project and the name finally emerged as I was going home- she is already quite different Thani anticipated as I first handled the stone two years ago.  

It is amazing how working out restless sad energy could create something so beautiful and loving. She still needs some work  definition in arm legs feet and soften the face but already the main shape has taken form.

The Remnants of a Parental Suicide,

The Remnants of a Parental Suicide,

It was 1975, He had just turned 25 on new years day, and was freshly diagnosed with Manic Depression.  And was known to self medicate with whatever drugs he could get his hands on. He had finally gotten a steady job as a bus driver. He was a father to a 13 month old little girl,and he was married to a devoted wife.  

Though she would account of many incidents of battery and emotional abuse. I do recall hearing my mother being slammed up against the wall. And as an infant I would shut down in fear (the deer in front of an oncoming truck) I would  develop this coping mechanism  as I grew and encountered other abusive situations( apparently typical of survivors of suicide-murder) I encounter bouts of guilt as i was not a healthy baby. - i was born with a lack of oxygen, and later we discovered my thyroid non function - i was in and out of hospital in my first few weeks of life.  I am sure my father used that against my mother when I wasn't there. 

One night he decided to mix a few drinks and probably dropped some acid as well as taking his medication. It was a deadly decision that almost cost the life of not only himself but his wife and daughter(me). After the drinks he went home and became physically abusive to my mother, and threatened to burn down the house with us in it. I would hear all this in my crib in the neighbouring room

My mother was smarter(and sober) and grabbed me from my crib and ran to the neighbours, the first set of neighbours were not home, so she ran to the next, in which she was confronted by him shouting and blaming his low self esteem on her, and wielded a sawed off gun pointing at himself. She had gotten me to safety with the neighbours taking me in. My mother was in the depths of the drama, the fear, and the fighting. She hadn't known I was propped up in a window by the curious kids. 

He turned the gun on himself and shot himself in the stomach that night. Everyone was shocked. Not only had I witnessed the violent suicide of my own father, but  I was dropped and abandoned for a time while everyone was running in different direction like decapitated chickens in shock.  

My mother needed to be drugged up with valium due to witnessing such a violent act. We Somehow did make it to Vancouver so he could be cared for in the larger hospital, and my grandparents could care for me while my mom would be spending time by his bedside praying, talking to him, and when he finally died due to the gangrene infection, my mother needed to be medicated yet again. I needed her but she didn't have the strength then to acknowledge my presence. I remember having a rest with her in the big bed in the guest room of my grandparents,  I woke calling to her, climbing up on her and not getting a response.  I didn't understand what was going on I was just an infant who lost her daddy, and scared she was losing her mommy too.  

My grandfather stepped up to the role of father for me. And doted on me when I came to visit or if they came to visit us.

But to lose a father to a violent suicide disrupted my sense of value- I wasn't a good enough person or he would have wanted to live,  I didn't understand these highs and intense lows until later in my life where I became diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder.  In my therapies I discovered my sensitivity to sudden loud abrupt noises that would find me cowered under tables not feeling sure what time frame I was in. There are self help groups for the parents or spouses left behind. Although 7,000-12,000 children( Hopkins Chilterns Center) lose their parents to suicide.   There are approximately 20,000 homicides in the United States annually. In 2002, 8.6% of

victims were killed by their spouse, 5.5% were children killed by a parent, 7.4% were killed by a family member, other than their spouse or parent, and 7.3% were killed by their boyfriend or girlfriend. The vast majority of these deaths are related to domestic violence.Fathers who kill children and then themselves often meet the criteria

for domestic abuse of their partners, including contact with the police. Even many suicides

by women are thought to be associated with battering.( survivors resources) 

There are no groups for the children left behind- it is either not acknowledged that people who take their lives could possibly even be parents.  I see groups for those who were the spouse,partner, or parent of the suicide victim.  But never a group for the child (adult survivor). Or is it just too hard to talk about.  Is it that group could never be acknowledged because if we acknowledged that it occurred we have to acknowledge that we let a group that have been left unattended to.

 Yes as children we are narcissistic in our reactions to the suicide - we take on a level of blame- if onlys.    I am also guilty of those as I got older.   I was also having nightmares, had fears of rooms that were long and dark.  But I couldn't put words to everything.    This issue seemed to fall through the cracks, people didn't want to admit to the possibility that i was a witness to this horrible event. They just wanted to concentrate on my development due to my rare genetic disorder.  Because they didn't detect it soon enough - it was suspected i may have mental retardation- i had a physical challenge. But i was more than intelligent enough.  And this may have made me more of a fighter in my life. I knew there was something out there that wanted me and my mother to live.  And I have had to be persistent in my story until finally as I came to the end of my teenager years a psychologist finally believed me as she noticed some of my other fears and anxieties came out.  It was clear I had a complicated history, and that I would feel isolated when people would learn how my father died but that through a change in hormones from a pregnancy I developed a mental illness. People are scared to hear of this possibility that we could possibly inherit a mental illness. But we had already battled most of our lives with post trauma anyways. (What is one or two more to top it off)  i tried joining a group where they had child survivors and I was reprimanded for being honest.  Again a way for me to feel isolated and strange for my situation.  I stand out, I try to move forward but a part of me is stuck and cannot move forward because this infant is unable to cry- she is that deer suddenly trapped in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic of bright lights and screeching brakes.   She must be quiet as the situation was life threatening. And the advocating mother in me says - I will not keep this topic a taboo. 

I spent years dealing with various psychiatrists (partially due to my being born with a rare thyroid condition) and when I was old enough to tell my perspective even small segments I  was accused of lying, of telling something I may have heard in gossip. I was only 13 months old when it happened.  How could I have remembered that event.?  The question is how could I I was at an age where I didn't have a vocabulary so my coping mechanism to shut down physically and emotionally.  I learned at the age of 38 that I dissociated in 7 forms to cope with the trauma.

The last straw was when my husband had hit me while I had my son in my arms because I slammed the door and locked it to protect myself and get my son to stop his screaming.  I was triggered to relive these events in new detail that i would never thought possible. 

This brought me to two clinics where I would spend a total of 15 months trying to get back on my feet again. Yes I felt suicidal many times but I stopped myself and asked for help- I did not need to repeat history and leave my children short of a parent.  

I started the bizarre behaviours marking my post traumatic stress disorder - these 7 forms of dissociation found me unsure of my time span( usually triggered by a sudden loud bang), days where my left side behaves as though I have had a stroke, or times where a tornado basically rips through a room breaking things and me in a corner debating on whether or not i should injure myself so I could come back to reality. 

It has taken a team to help me learn to trust, and to understand why 38 years my body behaves this way and that I should be nice to myself at this time of year. And yes 39 years later my body still knows what happened but now I have someone to help me through the rough days I had a wonderful group of nurses, doctors and therapists that do believe me and helped me tolerate my environment better. And I thank them wholeheartedly. 

Gemma Luescher-Verseckas